a little bit of blue s in the air, a bit of nostalgia, few drops of sentimentalism, pinch of sadness, garnished with memories.
a year is coming to an end, the mba is nearly there, pune is too, winter too will be gone in a while
all these i liked some, hated a little, but was life
i am going home on monday and i feel like i am leving here for ever. feels like i need to preserve the moment. for all those who hated it here, maybe i dint have anything better in life so i liked it. i should blog, perhaps a clichéd post on events in my life of 2008. that will come later.
i am listening to this song which brings back a bittersweet taste to my mind...
"I guess I'm a dreamer
my heart is of gold
I had to run away high
So I wouldn't come home low
Just when things went right
I mean they were always wrong
Just take this song and you'll never feel
Left all alone
Take me to your heart
Feel me in your bones
Just one more night
And I'm comin' off this
Long & winding road
I'm on my way
I'm on my way
Home sweet home
I guess that I've seen (Seem)
To many romantic dreams (To Make romantic dreams)
Up in lights, fallin' off
The silver screen
My heart's like an open book
For the whole world to read
Sometimes nothing-keeps me together
At the seams
I'm on my way
I'm on my way
Home sweet home
I'm on my way
I'm on my way
Home
It's a bittersweet symphony, this life
Just tryina to make ends meet
Theres no change, I can change
I can change, I can change
But I'm here in my mind
I am here in my mind
And I'm a million different people
from one day to the next
I can't change my mind
No, no, no, no, no
"
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Thursday, December 18, 2008
a job a job
oh, i guess i need to say, i have found job. so i am not unemployed any more. the blues of being so have reduced significantly. i am with Cargill, no not Kargil, Cargill. i will sell 2 brands of oil no one has heard of before and be paid almost as much as what i used to be before coming here. hey, but i am happy, ecstatic actually. it is the FMCG sector, well a decent sector to start in since i want to move to retail in a while, it is a decent company (USD100 billion plus i believe)though i dont know where i would be, most likely to start in Noida and then be posted somewhere in central India. the salary is not bad, it will make do. if you asked me if this is what i wanted, i would tell you, "i dont know"... perhaps in su's new british accent too. i dont know. i ddon knowwww
remember..not to forget
in my ex-home or rather old home in Chennai, where i used to stay in 2002 and later for the few months between the job and the MBA, there was this Baptist church on one side, the left hand side when i sat on the parapet on top of the terrace. and there was a temple on the right hand side. there was a government primary school somewhere in between. straight ahead in the darkness (oh, the picture in my mind is of me sitting on the parapet, as the darkness gathers, setting gloom, crows flying home and..) the super tall street flood light stood over the heavy clamouring traffic of the highway i could see in the distance.
the whole picture was nearly trance like. the school students would always around this time go to the temple and sing, clapping their hands to the tune of some religious song. the tempo of the music shifting with the rhythm of clapping.i can
almost still hear it in my head. any minute i hear this steady clapping i am transported there. about a hour preceeding this, if you were to be there, you would have heard the Baptist preacher presiding over his congregation. talking in a frenzy i can only imagine, talking tongues, and then there would be this line of people, his
congregation, slowly walk home past our gates, and you would know it was nearly time for the children to start singing. these crows that fly home, start their daily trips at about five, and they keep coming, hundred to thousands of them, in a never ending flight of black. if you were to spread out and look at the sky, as they flew over you, you would never forget that feeling either. you would remember they always fly east to west, from the settting sun into the darkness, they keep coming, till the last few, perhaps the lazy or the overworked fly back in haste. you could always tell towards the end that they were in haste. they would not sit on the antennae on the terrance and craw at me, they would not fly down and try to scare me. at seven i guess even crow spouces wanted their partners back where home was, some tree in some corner maybe there was a she or he crow waiting, may be even a few young ones. you would have heard the urgency in their cries, as the sun was just setting, if you were there.
now, when the crows were still flying and the preacher was talking tongues, if you looked to the left, you would see the home of the menons. they lived one house after my building. there was grandma menon, then uncle and aunty menon. son menon was in
the US and send lots of money home, though he never came home, even on the day grandma menon fell ill in december, was it 2001? yeah, at about five i would always see the menons working on their garden, and then twelth standard students would come
on cycles to attend Mrs.Menons french class. as the count of cycles reached 6 to 7 Mrs. Menon would leave her roses and go inside. Grandma menon would then come outside with Uncle menon to water the lawn. this was the only time i would see them, or
else they were always inside their big gray home. closed and secluded. when i lived in that home, i dont think i was ever happy, i was happy in Chennai though. Memories of school are faint. but College left such an impression i dont think i will ever forget. Visual communication, if you were there you would remember too, Professor Rajnayakam, Father Jerome, Henry 'Sotta' maria Victor, Suresh "deadbore" paul. you would remember that amazing corner of Loyola that was our campus, no way you could forget the three sheds that became classes and the art centre, the comp lab, the photo studio, the development centre, the video centre, the staff room. those low asbestos ceilings, metal mesh windows, thick walls painted half white and half blue. you would remember the long blue beches i slept on. you would still remember the sound that the electric trains made as they clattered by on the tracks behind our classes. Roshan menon, Anant Gopal and Ashwin Ram made those years for me, friends in that god forsaken place, they hugged those trees with me, they went on the south indian trip, we drove down the korattur highway to taramani, ashwin ate so many canteen samosas you would never forget too. i can never forget Bruno, the german sheperd (he died couple of years back), shanmuganathan for his subservient love, roshans parents for ignoring my continuous presence at their home, roshans Grandmom for endless tea, Vignesh and Sid for company and coffee, and so many others for so many things. you would never forget them if you met them either.
the whole picture was nearly trance like. the school students would always around this time go to the temple and sing, clapping their hands to the tune of some religious song. the tempo of the music shifting with the rhythm of clapping.i can
almost still hear it in my head. any minute i hear this steady clapping i am transported there. about a hour preceeding this, if you were to be there, you would have heard the Baptist preacher presiding over his congregation. talking in a frenzy i can only imagine, talking tongues, and then there would be this line of people, his
congregation, slowly walk home past our gates, and you would know it was nearly time for the children to start singing. these crows that fly home, start their daily trips at about five, and they keep coming, hundred to thousands of them, in a never ending flight of black. if you were to spread out and look at the sky, as they flew over you, you would never forget that feeling either. you would remember they always fly east to west, from the settting sun into the darkness, they keep coming, till the last few, perhaps the lazy or the overworked fly back in haste. you could always tell towards the end that they were in haste. they would not sit on the antennae on the terrance and craw at me, they would not fly down and try to scare me. at seven i guess even crow spouces wanted their partners back where home was, some tree in some corner maybe there was a she or he crow waiting, may be even a few young ones. you would have heard the urgency in their cries, as the sun was just setting, if you were there.
now, when the crows were still flying and the preacher was talking tongues, if you looked to the left, you would see the home of the menons. they lived one house after my building. there was grandma menon, then uncle and aunty menon. son menon was in
the US and send lots of money home, though he never came home, even on the day grandma menon fell ill in december, was it 2001? yeah, at about five i would always see the menons working on their garden, and then twelth standard students would come
on cycles to attend Mrs.Menons french class. as the count of cycles reached 6 to 7 Mrs. Menon would leave her roses and go inside. Grandma menon would then come outside with Uncle menon to water the lawn. this was the only time i would see them, or
else they were always inside their big gray home. closed and secluded. when i lived in that home, i dont think i was ever happy, i was happy in Chennai though. Memories of school are faint. but College left such an impression i dont think i will ever forget. Visual communication, if you were there you would remember too, Professor Rajnayakam, Father Jerome, Henry 'Sotta' maria Victor, Suresh "deadbore" paul. you would remember that amazing corner of Loyola that was our campus, no way you could forget the three sheds that became classes and the art centre, the comp lab, the photo studio, the development centre, the video centre, the staff room. those low asbestos ceilings, metal mesh windows, thick walls painted half white and half blue. you would remember the long blue beches i slept on. you would still remember the sound that the electric trains made as they clattered by on the tracks behind our classes. Roshan menon, Anant Gopal and Ashwin Ram made those years for me, friends in that god forsaken place, they hugged those trees with me, they went on the south indian trip, we drove down the korattur highway to taramani, ashwin ate so many canteen samosas you would never forget too. i can never forget Bruno, the german sheperd (he died couple of years back), shanmuganathan for his subservient love, roshans parents for ignoring my continuous presence at their home, roshans Grandmom for endless tea, Vignesh and Sid for company and coffee, and so many others for so many things. you would never forget them if you met them either.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
ok. hm.
i catch myself giving accusing glances at people who are placed, almost like 'what the hell do you have to say about me..' :) it is funny when i catch myself at it. another game which is played between i and me is visualising me in the bestesht and worsesht situations possible. like hell and heaven. funny ain't it, what extremes of imaginations we go to...anyway i have always had a very colourful imagination.. oh, it is like a 70mm screen in my head, and i have all the actors in my realreel life, doing all the roles i conjure up.. ps. no dirty imaginations tho.. dont know why, but have never that.. since it is my freudian unconscious that does the conjuring, i dont have much control on what is playing. i am sure freud would have been a paying patron if he had a link up to my 70mm screen. anyway, since the topic of the hour, day, week and month is placements, sure enough my single minded, highway wide placements thought comes back to it..right on..
i am sure it is no fun to be with someone who thinks of just one thing, sure enough, there are two camps now, the placed and the unplaced. the kings and the beggars. :). the haves and the have-nots, the rich and the poor. one side i am sure sniggers .. "hey look at all those losers, sitting waiting for what god knows" and the other side, among frantic discussions on the next company, on the next ppt, on the process that just went by, sniggers on how completely right the first group is!. i am an entrenched player, you know which side i am on. dont you.. (ps a secret thought: i hope wish pray to hell everybody reading it is on camp 1.. why?...because i occassionaly read my own blog and if everybody reading it was camp1.. i would be camp1.. ha!.. what a thought.
right!!!... insanity was the last string.
i am sure it is no fun to be with someone who thinks of just one thing, sure enough, there are two camps now, the placed and the unplaced. the kings and the beggars. :). the haves and the have-nots, the rich and the poor. one side i am sure sniggers .. "hey look at all those losers, sitting waiting for what god knows" and the other side, among frantic discussions on the next company, on the next ppt, on the process that just went by, sniggers on how completely right the first group is!. i am an entrenched player, you know which side i am on. dont you.. (ps a secret thought: i hope wish pray to hell everybody reading it is on camp 1.. why?...because i occassionaly read my own blog and if everybody reading it was camp1.. i would be camp1.. ha!.. what a thought.
right!!!... insanity was the last string.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
a quick blog on how to be sad..saD..sAD..SAD
self doubt, screwed up as it is, is a bastard who bites where and when it hurts most. with a one dimensional thought pattern these days, it is difficult to focus on anything, and as it becomes more difficult to justify faith, bitter thoughts of a return to the past haunts, like a difficult ghost. with this last loss, i give up on any demands whatsoever. when people say 'u will get something', i wonder what do they know that they say it. what do they know of the panic i feel. negativity is infinite and freely flows to fill big holes of doubt and fear.
God! how hard is it to even think of anything apart from this process, to work up an appetite for fun, an appetite to do something creative. how hard is it to express love or happines, to forget this stress for a moment.
God! how hard is it to even think of anything apart from this process, to work up an appetite for fun, an appetite to do something creative. how hard is it to express love or happines, to forget this stress for a moment.
will there be a day when i look at this post and laugh at it, or will stare at it infinitely hoping for something better.
i feel like revolting, the gut instict to turn back and fight when cornered, but who do i fight, who do i aggress. for there isnt an enemy. i go to the gym, and sweat with the weights, that i guess is the only way to push. this isnt a fight to death, but a slow burning fuse. i am bitter, angry and always on the verge. with the lowest patience for irritation. This isnt healthy. i cant make myself say this isnt called for. wish i knew. wish i could say i hope this isnt called for.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
neee
there s nothing as pompous as writing about events that just happened in a blog. i am tempted to write on neev and all that excited me during it, yet it feels like a load of self important shit to do, now that i sit downt to do it.Neev belonged to all those who won stuff in it, for me who did not, it aint that imprtant. i rue that wine bottle i just missed, the couple of t's i just missed and all those 40k prize monies i din come close to winning. and neev wasnt even important, bloody hell getting placed somewhere semi respectable is much more important.anyways. if i remember anything from neev is thinking i could have missed it this year too. kk's concert, agustus final, anoop's interview are among the few things i will remember.
anyways now that neev is over and stark reality of placements, ofn recession, of placements, of low single digit salaries come to wash me over, what was neev. In the best of times, i am depressed, tired and bored. what now. worrying isnt going to get me anywhere, yet i guess not worrying is worse still - the time to panic having arrived already. Of times if i regreted not having done an engineering, of having wasted good years in Dubai, it is now that i feel the pain most. as shortlist after shortlist finds me on the wrong end of shorting, the feeling of inferiority just eats like acid.
I have lesser energy than before,and every negative headline in the newspaper is a personal affront.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Without remorse
It is easy to lie to myself. blindly and repeatedly till i believe the lie, till lines of distinction between the two are no longer discernable. till that last little prick of conscience fades from recognition
i never realized that the hardest thing was to be completely honest with mysellf. and to have the capacity to see what things really are.
once this part is done i see it is fairly easy to be honest with everybody else, easier to lie too. but then again the lines will fade if i am not careful.
this forces me to realize small lies i see in others, in others i like. lies i am willing to accept, to forgive, because those faded lines i see there are so familiar. yet, do i call them out. do i not. what when another lie comes my way.
i hope those lies is only to me. and not to their own heart.
what do i do with those lies that are important to others. lies that are deep, lies that may have been truths once. do i call them out. do i not. is it worse now that i realise they were lies anyway. simple lies that will need more lies to make them stay.
i never realized that the hardest thing was to be completely honest with mysellf. and to have the capacity to see what things really are.
once this part is done i see it is fairly easy to be honest with everybody else, easier to lie too. but then again the lines will fade if i am not careful.
this forces me to realize small lies i see in others, in others i like. lies i am willing to accept, to forgive, because those faded lines i see there are so familiar. yet, do i call them out. do i not. what when another lie comes my way.
i hope those lies is only to me. and not to their own heart.
what do i do with those lies that are important to others. lies that are deep, lies that may have been truths once. do i call them out. do i not. is it worse now that i realise they were lies anyway. simple lies that will need more lies to make them stay.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
i want to be a painter
i want to be a painter
to be able to remember the beauty i see in everyhtin
and capture it
and then hang it on wall for everyone to see
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
hmm. ha
i am excited when a new work presents itself, but i am too lazy to do it. it could be anything, like reading fiction. i enjoy it, but the effort of taking and reading it is... hm.. too much? but then some reason presents itself to instigate me to turn pages fast, like some one who asks how the book is and i am embarrassed by the fact i am yet to reach anywhere. i am then happy to have this simple pressure to read, of looking forward to telling them i am done. my motivation therefore is entirely dependent on others giving me the right nudges here and there.
an idea from Mohsin Hamids Moth Smoke.
a disease is what grows where/when it shoudlnt. it gets bad when you can stop it and yet you do nothing about it, letting the lethargy it lends cover you in excuse, a cushion to the fall.
, like a moth drawn to a flame, circling its love the flame, till the flame consumes it. one flight too close to the flame, and ends up dead.
like two lovers, each a moth drawn to the other, love that was never to be, love doomed from the start, just to burn a wing here a wing there. the lover the flame the doom.
Things i sometimes remember and laugh about
1. once i and old buddies from school had gone for dinner. on the way back we were driving back by the then newly opened Shoppers Stop in Harrington road, chennai. sitting in the back seat of the car, for no reason, i yelped 'hai, shoppee Day'. it was completely reflexive. to this day i hve no idea why i said it or why we all still are reduced to pulp laughing abt it.
2. one time i was kissing a girl, and i got bored kissing her. ten seconds can be a long time, and eh.. my mind wanders fast.
i remember thinking what i could do to pass the next minute or so..trying different angles..and then starting to laugh hysterically
3. the time a friend farted in the car, again there were 3 of us, hot day and the AC was on. it was the WORST possible fart a human could have produced. it s a wonder the driver dint crash the car.
4. i had a scooterrete for sometime, it was a piece of junk that could hardly move with two people on. yet, i once convinced a friend it was a test of his manhood to prove that he could race against this with his HeroHondo CBZ. hehehe.. we got an audience, we got someone to blow the whistle and i didnt even move. all we remember was rolling around and laughing as he literally flew with throttle on full.. he never really forgave me for that
2. one time i was kissing a girl, and i got bored kissing her. ten seconds can be a long time, and eh.. my mind wanders fast.
i remember thinking what i could do to pass the next minute or so..trying different angles..and then starting to laugh hysterically
3. the time a friend farted in the car, again there were 3 of us, hot day and the AC was on. it was the WORST possible fart a human could have produced. it s a wonder the driver dint crash the car.
4. i had a scooterrete for sometime, it was a piece of junk that could hardly move with two people on. yet, i once convinced a friend it was a test of his manhood to prove that he could race against this with his HeroHondo CBZ. hehehe.. we got an audience, we got someone to blow the whistle and i didnt even move. all we remember was rolling around and laughing as he literally flew with throttle on full.. he never really forgave me for that
5. there was this time when i was in this room with some1 i wasnt supposed to be. and then some1 knocks. i had the most hilarious time with that person under my bed.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
marketscape
one of my friends recently had a relationship turn sour on her, and with the markets tumbling all around, i was thinking that the two are really quite similar; investing in the stock market and being in a relationship - the love type.
in both cases people speculate. both are led my sentiments and both dont make much sense.
you invest some, and the market climbs, it s all excitement, just like in a relationship, those wonderful initial months of mutual discovery, days when time just flies. both displaying the best of each to the other. so when the market soars it is plain good, just keep investing more of your chips hoping and in reality just speculating that it s going to be up all the way. just like in the stock market where technical analyst will tell you what tommorow is going to be like, what the underlying fundementals tell ya; comments of how 'compatible' you and him/her is.. how god has made one for the other, neither god or the technical analyst can tell you a minute before a soaring relationship goes sour. seasonality. analyse any market data and you see a definite seasonality, ups and downs. even the rationalist who thinks only with the head and not with d heart cant tell you why there is a dip. but they say a dip is good. a correction. this is nothing but the "give it some time"..or "why dont you take a break" thing. and when things sour a bit, there are those who take their chips and run, there are those who stay invested, and there are those who put more of themselves, those who put everything they have.
when the market hits rock bottom, there is one who is still holding on.. holding on to a script that is not worth anything, that does not have the magic power to make him/her happy or rich as the case may be.
and
like in the stock market where they advice you to never put all your eggs into one basket.. advice critical in the relationship market :P. diversification is the key word.
but
sound advice is always to play for the long innings, to be the trenched player..
but then i dont have all the answers.. bankrupted as i am in the stock market.. i shouldnt be the one to be giving advices. :)
Saturday, November 1, 2008
Maybe i feel like them
She wished only that she could go back and change things: the ungainly things she had worn, the insecurity she'd felt, all the innocent mistakes she'd made
- Sudha in "Only Goodness" by Jhumpa Lahiri
At first, when we truly love someone, our greatest fear is that the loved one will stop loving us. What we should fear and dread, of course, is that we won't stop loving the, even after they are dead and gone.
- Shantaram, Gregory David Roberts
i had friends but i always felt alone.
Jim Carrey in "23"
Sunday, October 26, 2008
and then
Today with both room-mates gone for Diwali, i spent the morning reading. Light hindi music from my old laptop, the dry autumn chill lending an airconditoned feel to the room, it was almost like i was in Dubai again; on one of my 'off' days. just reveling in being able to sleep late, of having an entire day with nothing to do except read, with the promise of being able to go out later in the day with someone. Akash from Jhumpa Lahiri's Unaccustomed Earth filled my mind, nearly like Sam and Isaac, Ruma was Rekha. it is almost like they are in the hall, Jiju would have gone off to work, Its eleven and Rekha would have woken up, perhaps one of the little ones as well. She'd be making tea now. then i would go in there, their home smelling wonderfully of small kids - cornflakes, milk and a tinge of urea. the warmth of those little madmen. with tea in those huge mugs, and like always she'd offer porridge which i would refuse. i would sit and read their al-Kaleej Times and she'd flip through malayalam channels - her activity for most of the day.
Being free on a week-day (one of the problems of being in retaik) meant few others were free in the mornings. this was good in a way. Back here in symbi, hostel life means there s hardly any time where i am alone.
i must be missing home, atleast home food. for in the last week itself i v been to mallu restaurants thrice, ordered enough food to have waiters ask resignedly if it was enough at the end of it. It has definitely been a foody week. food well taken. :)
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Diwali Plans
With diwali right around the corner everyone is doing something.. looks like it.
here s a list of what my people are doing..
1. Getting drunk on Red Wine.. "way to go kuti.. but stay OFF the liquor''
2. s - Working her ass off on a dissertation. i should do one too..but i am not ready to work my ass off yet. i should do a dissertation on retail
3. planning trips to Gokarna, Manipal and going i forget where.. and then cribbing about not going home
4. planning ticketless seatless birthless 24 hour train journeys and DOING it. 2 of them actually.
5. loading up on naadan (kerala) food. throwing up. then going back and loading up again. (me included in the eating part)
6. calling home to order sweets for diwali. 3 kilos of it!!. damn
7. Making Goa plans and not do it. *d culprit s me. the plan was north Goa by bus, lots of feny, bullet and a room
My current plan: Sit in my room and read up fiction and Porter on Strategy!.. smart eh?
Friday, October 24, 2008
animos
there is a strange feeling when others know something about you that you dont know or realise. the bunched eyelids and hushed conversation when u walk past. fingers pointed and smothered smiles. ok, well i exaggerate. though there is none of this, i still get an unpleasant vibe from certain sections of the society here. anyway, they are people i dont particularly like. so it does not matter.
still it is interesting how antennas fly up when there s some animosity in the air, i need to get used to this shit.
Random.......
a child who grows up takin apart evrything learns to fix everything as he grows up.
i was he.
i wish i could be him.
Hmm....random random
when i say i want to be alone, i lie
for i just want more of you
when i say i am good, i lie
for it is just emptynes in me
when i say the sun shines, i lie
for it is only darkness i see
small wierd things that freak me out
1. In the evening twilight, loud happy music played at a distance so i can just about hear it. gives me such a sense of loneliness; of loss; brings up memories that arent bad in any sense, but just this intangible forlorn feeling.
makes we want to be alone, rather, it leaves me without the strength to face anything, anybody.
2. Fear of being left behind. in a literal sense. guess i would do anything, stoop to any levels, not to be left behind.
3. being ridiculed in public. wow. cant take it.
i have this rather dumb feeling, in other words, i feel very much like an idiot. dont know for what reason. the blues are here to stay i guess. like the economy i get the feeling i need a war, famine, fascism to get out of this.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Once upon
Once upon a time when the sun was young
i was a speck of dust on an asteroids end
once upon a time on a chimpanzee's tail
I was a tiny little bug
Once upon a time when Noah was still floating
I was a worm that ate another
Once upon a time when the Pharoah was dead
there was just me at the bottom of a pyramid
Once upon a time when the sky was blue
i was a raindrop falling from the cloud
Once upon a time when yesterday was young
it was not so long back we kissed
once upon a time when the trees still stood
we walked around and watched the birds fly
once upon a time when the day is still not born
i walk an unknown road
Thursday, October 9, 2008
want more
why is there this constant need to change, to experience something new
new music, new news, new movies new gf new this new that
i fear barring a few, i would ideally like new people as well
perhaps i am a hopeless optimist
forever believing that the future is better, that the next time it is definitely going to be better, and even that this is better than the last.. (and while it lasts, secretly laughin thinking, "hey.... you dont know, but the my next one is going to be better)
for as long as i can remember i have never wanted time to go faster, at times i have willed it to be slower, forever believing that the moment i lived in was so much better than the ones i hav ever had before, better than i deserve, than i should expect it to be
call it whatever you may, misplaced modesty..nonsense
add to this the blind faith that tomorrow is going to be this bright great day
.
and why is there this need to be loved. what strange insecurities we have!
this is perhaps just love for myself. in a different costume. let me try in this 'single' time to fend off this need
I sometimes think several of us despise the past, give it very little thought. past is passe for me.
it is so difficult to remember what people were like, their little nuances, the way someone walked, someones eyes, smells, way they felt
i think i dont like the way i was in the past, and this statement is dynamic,.. i dont like me in the last second. . :P
i have hardly had friends from the past meeting friends of the future, the situation has sucked every time. it is just not the same me they have each seen.
me now is not the same as me a minute later, ok.. i exaggerate, but overall we all change so much. so so much. i have read, visiting parents years after moving out is one of the most stressing times for many, the sheer memories these visits evoke freaks some out. parents knew you last when u were in school or maybe college. not blaming them or antyhing but they have no clue who you are. and then you go there with a date or wife or whoever, and suddenly it is a whole different you!
but then there are these few people you come by once in a while, those rare creatiures who somehow just know you.. i know some like this..i will cherish them..it d be nice to fill up my life with people like this.. and i love them all to one extent or nther.
Saturday, October 4, 2008
hm.. thoughts
somethings just isn’t good for you
how much ever you justify the use
the lethargy is palpable, the stillness can almost be touched. You could feel it. It is inside my head. i am it.
Hope and misery. Aren’t they just so intertwined?
I had a reason to forget, not to remember. Why did it come back. Just wishful thinking that it wouldn’t haunt me.
Yesterday I went on a walk, a long walk. I found that different world maybe a kilometer from the campus. I knew it was there, it is a cure for all problems. The potholed dusty road from the big circle at tamanna, that leads into the hills to get lost in the greenery. It is a different world out there. Within an hour I passed the buildings, event the shanty cow sheds, muddy tea stalls and single old man with one naked incandescent bulb grocery shop. It is a page out of a novel, it is exactly the place where you’d go to clear your thoughts. It had workers with Nehru caps walking back, with their axes and ploughs propped on sweaty shoulders. Linen Dhotis and Chinese t shirts, covered in dirt, holes and sweat of genuine labor. There were birds, crows and others flying back home. Mostly in pairs, wing to wing against the darkening skies. single trees stood guard over waist high grass on both sides of the road, hills covered in mist completed the scene. Almost too perfect, yet it was there, for all to see. No, it was only me who saw it. Atleast this way.
As the sun set, I realized it was going to be real dark, except for headlights of heavy vehicles that broke the monotony of silence. Silence outside my head i.e. the ipod is a perfect companion here.
And soon enough it was completely dark, so dark I was a scared enough to stop and walk back. I imagined how it would be if I fell into a ditch or someone killed or some truck ran me over. As if I needed any more stimulus to clear my mind, a pack of three-four dogs turned up. They dint seem very happy to see me, atleast from the fact that barking and running in front of me to stand ground and bark activity. It took all my thoughts focused somewhere just about my throat to keep the heart from jumping right out. Somehow I kept walking, biting on the temptation to stop as well as the one to run. Soon enough they lost interest, and in their cacophonous company I reached civilization back sooner than I thought. With all thoughts scrubbred away I took another deviation so I could walk some more. A long road that finally ended up on the ring road that led to mezzanine. Right then guys called up saying lets go to idlecious, great. Couldn’t have been more perfect.
anyway. so we organized this big event on luxury in college, and it went well. now that's over, and gone.
it is like rain, when it rains it pours, its wet and quite miserable, yet once it s gone, you miss it
it is like a problem child, when he s around, he makes life tough, yet once he s gone, the silence is unbearable.
It is also like a nice meal, with great food. once you are full, you are too lethargic to clean those dammed plates.
Why does fucked up thought come at the most fucked up time.
how much ever you justify the use
the lethargy is palpable, the stillness can almost be touched. You could feel it. It is inside my head. i am it.
Hope and misery. Aren’t they just so intertwined?
I had a reason to forget, not to remember. Why did it come back. Just wishful thinking that it wouldn’t haunt me.
Yesterday I went on a walk, a long walk. I found that different world maybe a kilometer from the campus. I knew it was there, it is a cure for all problems. The potholed dusty road from the big circle at tamanna, that leads into the hills to get lost in the greenery. It is a different world out there. Within an hour I passed the buildings, event the shanty cow sheds, muddy tea stalls and single old man with one naked incandescent bulb grocery shop. It is a page out of a novel, it is exactly the place where you’d go to clear your thoughts. It had workers with Nehru caps walking back, with their axes and ploughs propped on sweaty shoulders. Linen Dhotis and Chinese t shirts, covered in dirt, holes and sweat of genuine labor. There were birds, crows and others flying back home. Mostly in pairs, wing to wing against the darkening skies. single trees stood guard over waist high grass on both sides of the road, hills covered in mist completed the scene. Almost too perfect, yet it was there, for all to see. No, it was only me who saw it. Atleast this way.
As the sun set, I realized it was going to be real dark, except for headlights of heavy vehicles that broke the monotony of silence. Silence outside my head i.e. the ipod is a perfect companion here.
And soon enough it was completely dark, so dark I was a scared enough to stop and walk back. I imagined how it would be if I fell into a ditch or someone killed or some truck ran me over. As if I needed any more stimulus to clear my mind, a pack of three-four dogs turned up. They dint seem very happy to see me, atleast from the fact that barking and running in front of me to stand ground and bark activity. It took all my thoughts focused somewhere just about my throat to keep the heart from jumping right out. Somehow I kept walking, biting on the temptation to stop as well as the one to run. Soon enough they lost interest, and in their cacophonous company I reached civilization back sooner than I thought. With all thoughts scrubbred away I took another deviation so I could walk some more. A long road that finally ended up on the ring road that led to mezzanine. Right then guys called up saying lets go to idlecious, great. Couldn’t have been more perfect.
anyway. so we organized this big event on luxury in college, and it went well. now that's over, and gone.
it is like rain, when it rains it pours, its wet and quite miserable, yet once it s gone, you miss it
it is like a problem child, when he s around, he makes life tough, yet once he s gone, the silence is unbearable.
It is also like a nice meal, with great food. once you are full, you are too lethargic to clean those dammed plates.
Why does fucked up thought come at the most fucked up time.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Some thoughts
Mine and Others
"in people i know, i see only what i like to see. people i know no longer exist."
"the further i get away from it, i am not even sure it was real love"
"the first time i was touched, the feeling was so amazing, why dont i feel like that anymore?"
"Bright people scare me"
"I am selfish, people dont interest me"
"i couldnt talk about many things, i havent spoken so many things, there are too many things that need to be said"
"everything hurts"
"i am honest to everyone. except to those i love"
"what i felt once. that was worth living for"
"people who smoke want to die atleast as much as they want to live"
"the love that believes and trusts in the constancy of another human heart - romantic love, i so desperately need"
"i thrive on attention"
"in people i know, i see only what i like to see. people i know no longer exist."
"the further i get away from it, i am not even sure it was real love"
"the first time i was touched, the feeling was so amazing, why dont i feel like that anymore?"
"Bright people scare me"
"I am selfish, people dont interest me"
"i couldnt talk about many things, i havent spoken so many things, there are too many things that need to be said"
"everything hurts"
"i am honest to everyone. except to those i love"
"what i felt once. that was worth living for"
"people who smoke want to die atleast as much as they want to live"
"the love that believes and trusts in the constancy of another human heart - romantic love, i so desperately need"
"i thrive on attention"
Time
to everything there is a seasn, a time for every purpose
a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant and a time to pluck
a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down and a time to build up
a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn and a time to dance
a time to gain, and a time to loose, a time to keep and a time to throw away
a time to hate and a time to love
a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant and a time to pluck
a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down and a time to build up
a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn and a time to dance
a time to gain, and a time to loose, a time to keep and a time to throw away
a time to hate and a time to love
Some old lines.
but for him who is joined to all the living there is hope
for a living dog is better than a dead lion
also their love, their envy, and their hatred have now perished
nevermore will they have a share in anything under the sun
whatever your hand finds to do, do it with your might
for there is no work or device or knowledge or wisdom in the grave where you are going
the race is not for the swift
noe the battle to the strong
nor bread to the wise
nor riches to the intelligent
nor favor to men of skill
but time and chance happens to them all
for a man does not know his time
like fish taken in a cruel net
like birds caught in a snare
so men are snared in an evil time
when it falls suddenly on them.
for a living dog is better than a dead lion
also their love, their envy, and their hatred have now perished
nevermore will they have a share in anything under the sun
whatever your hand finds to do, do it with your might
for there is no work or device or knowledge or wisdom in the grave where you are going
the race is not for the swift
noe the battle to the strong
nor bread to the wise
nor riches to the intelligent
nor favor to men of skill
but time and chance happens to them all
for a man does not know his time
like fish taken in a cruel net
like birds caught in a snare
so men are snared in an evil time
when it falls suddenly on them.
Saturday, September 6, 2008
The car with no lights
i was driving a car
a car with no lights
i was driving a car
down a winding road
on a dark and moonless night
i was driving a car
drunk and sober at once
i couldnt see the door
for darkness it was all
i was driving a car
i dint know where i was going
i couldnt see the road
neither the road me
i am still driving
a car with no lights
i was driving a car
down a winding road
on a dark and moonless night
i was driving a car
drunk and sober at once
i couldnt see the door
for darkness it was all
i was driving a car
i dint know where i was going
i couldnt see the road
neither the road me
i am still driving
The girl with big eyes
she sat with her hair let open, hands gripping her ankles. eyes staring straight into mine.
i felt something i have never yet felt. I wanted a camera, for i never should forget the image.
yet no camera can capture a feeling, a thought, the magic that she created.
the place: an indescribable corner of her heart. she took my hand and walked me through. bold and free as an eagle, we saw the world; small and from afar. from a dark place to unimaginable brightnes, her flapping wings took me. i felt a tingle in the small of my back; as the world looked smaller and smaller - the air thinner, the light brighter; but her strength filled me, strength of happiness, strength of our existence, as we did exist; momentary.
i felt something i have never yet felt. I wanted a camera, for i never should forget the image.
yet no camera can capture a feeling, a thought, the magic that she created.
the place: an indescribable corner of her heart. she took my hand and walked me through. bold and free as an eagle, we saw the world; small and from afar. from a dark place to unimaginable brightnes, her flapping wings took me. i felt a tingle in the small of my back; as the world looked smaller and smaller - the air thinner, the light brighter; but her strength filled me, strength of happiness, strength of our existence, as we did exist; momentary.
Moments Momentary
for memories that werent just memories
even if it were just for those precious moments
none to tolerate the rest of the world
for it was around us it rotated
for it flew past, in squirts, with cruel generosity
yet moments seemed etched in stone
stretched to eternity, moments momentary
for it was around us it rotated
for time started here, stopped there
yet threads of time interwined
upside down, twisted, inside out,
for it was around us it rotated
for those metamorphic images
even as time runs by
remain. Gripping.
for it was around us it rotated
even if it were just for those precious moments
none to tolerate the rest of the world
for it was around us it rotated
for it flew past, in squirts, with cruel generosity
yet moments seemed etched in stone
stretched to eternity, moments momentary
for it was around us it rotated
for time started here, stopped there
yet threads of time interwined
upside down, twisted, inside out,
for it was around us it rotated
for those metamorphic images
even as time runs by
remain. Gripping.
for it was around us it rotated
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Things that keep me sane
Just as an afterthought, i was wondering what keeps me from losing it
in no particular order
> Work - Club work, gives me a sense of leadership, and tangible productivity
> Classes - the current rarity of it gives it a decent sheen. Yeah it reminds me this is a sweet time, a time i shouldnt feel guity to chill
> Blogging - For that cant be said
> Friends - yes least for the sense of belonging
> Books and reading - for that sense of being in touch with the world, a world larger than the four walls
> Calls: valuable
> Food: with sex is something that never loses its attractiveness. atleast not yet.
> Sex: Well.
> Smokes: Hm, hopefully will remain something i enjoy, and not something i crave. nicotine is a smart one, for he makes line separating the two real slim
> Drinks: It sometimes takes a few to calm. like food, it is a requirement of life. :)
> Movies et al: Hm, insanity packaged. Keeps the real thing at bay.
> Rest of life: Cant think of any more.
in no particular order
> Work - Club work, gives me a sense of leadership, and tangible productivity
> Classes - the current rarity of it gives it a decent sheen. Yeah it reminds me this is a sweet time, a time i shouldnt feel guity to chill
> Blogging - For that cant be said
> Friends - yes least for the sense of belonging
> Books and reading - for that sense of being in touch with the world, a world larger than the four walls
> Calls: valuable
> Food: with sex is something that never loses its attractiveness. atleast not yet.
> Sex: Well.
> Smokes: Hm, hopefully will remain something i enjoy, and not something i crave. nicotine is a smart one, for he makes line separating the two real slim
> Drinks: It sometimes takes a few to calm. like food, it is a requirement of life. :)
> Movies et al: Hm, insanity packaged. Keeps the real thing at bay.
> Rest of life: Cant think of any more.
insanity calls
I Wonder if insanity would knock before it comes? kind of ring a bell and announce - "hey, here i am, and now you are insane". Wonder what is worse, being insane or not knowing that you are insane. Yeah, how would you know you are insane, for you ARE, INSANE!
i have this rather insane fear that i am going insane, perhaps this is one of my worser fears, of losing touch with reality. Of a world that finds you wierd but you somehow failing to notice. So i keep running this reality check, something that makes me rather always a little uncomfortable in most situations, however most comfortable that situation may be.
There are people with whom i feel comfortable, natural, real..with little insanity There is one with whom i feel none, with her i perhaps do not need to be sane. no expectations of a pretense nor is there a need for an act. i found comfort there. will there be another like.
Insanity is perhaps a measure of the drive to perform, and is nothing but the detachment from yourself to put up a show for others, to star in the act this life is.
There are some with whom there is this heightened fear of it. There are some, who revel in their own insanity. There are some who draw it out.
Perhaps being in a competitive world, there are just a few who manage to retain their sanity, there is a peace and happiness in the eyes of these few. They are who they are, really. they dont change with the situation, they dont need to justify their act, they keep their word. I just love people like this. Wow, to be sane!
Yet, what is life without a tinge of insanity, for a little insanity is a dose of fun, like a pinch of dope. Insanity is both the disease, its visible symptoms and also a cure. Insanity is what keeps me alive. Insane i never want to be.
i have this rather insane fear that i am going insane, perhaps this is one of my worser fears, of losing touch with reality. Of a world that finds you wierd but you somehow failing to notice. So i keep running this reality check, something that makes me rather always a little uncomfortable in most situations, however most comfortable that situation may be.
There are people with whom i feel comfortable, natural, real..with little insanity There is one with whom i feel none, with her i perhaps do not need to be sane. no expectations of a pretense nor is there a need for an act. i found comfort there. will there be another like.
Insanity is perhaps a measure of the drive to perform, and is nothing but the detachment from yourself to put up a show for others, to star in the act this life is.
There are some with whom there is this heightened fear of it. There are some, who revel in their own insanity. There are some who draw it out.
Perhaps being in a competitive world, there are just a few who manage to retain their sanity, there is a peace and happiness in the eyes of these few. They are who they are, really. they dont change with the situation, they dont need to justify their act, they keep their word. I just love people like this. Wow, to be sane!
Yet, what is life without a tinge of insanity, for a little insanity is a dose of fun, like a pinch of dope. Insanity is both the disease, its visible symptoms and also a cure. Insanity is what keeps me alive. Insane i never want to be.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
To the brink
sense does prevail, though not always and not for ever. they have stopped blocking blogs, well that is a little less of nonsense. hm. just when the firewall became so unbearable so as to make internet useless, we find the tors and ultrasurfs of the world..
gets me thinking, how things get to a brink but almost never falls off beyond that imperceptible brink; or is it the brink that is ever stretching. am i tempting fate, or am i saying that i want it once, maybe once just once fall over that edge of the world.., but yeah the world ain't a cube.
i have never been in a situation where there wasn't a way out, been never in front of a car that dint brake in time..never been so drunk i fell unconscious on the road, never been shot, hit or killed, never found a fatal disease.. is it the watchful father above, is it fate, luck, or just ain't my day of judgment yet.
is it just that i assume the worst, believe the unbelievable, think of what i shouldnt. god forbid i start believing i will never face a wall, defeat, loss and pain. i will. i have. maybe i just forget.
gets me thinking, how things get to a brink but almost never falls off beyond that imperceptible brink; or is it the brink that is ever stretching. am i tempting fate, or am i saying that i want it once, maybe once just once fall over that edge of the world.., but yeah the world ain't a cube.
i have never been in a situation where there wasn't a way out, been never in front of a car that dint brake in time..never been so drunk i fell unconscious on the road, never been shot, hit or killed, never found a fatal disease.. is it the watchful father above, is it fate, luck, or just ain't my day of judgment yet.
is it just that i assume the worst, believe the unbelievable, think of what i shouldnt. god forbid i start believing i will never face a wall, defeat, loss and pain. i will. i have. maybe i just forget.
Monday, August 11, 2008
Etc .. Etc
there are days when i feel dumb
when most things dont make sense
all i want to do is eat, watch a video or sleep, no amount to these ever satiate the hunger
and i feel is remorse at time wasted, oh yeah, i cant enjoy a moment without paying it a silent tribute
but of late i have a pregnant feeling of dumbness, monotonous dumbness
that has overstayed it unwelcomnes.
as if my mood spirals down and yet finding new levels of normality, planes where i have always been, no real way to say i am in a spiral. It must be one of those trick pictures with the ever-flowing water and never ending steps.
there is so much to do in the coming weeks, that it all cant possibly be done, yet i cant get started. the moles look so much like mountains, how am i to move them?
there is so much inertia, that no amount of me can break over
so i dabble in the random, that even i cannot predict me.
oh yeah, i think i am ready for something new.
let the old worry about itself. let fires burn down, embers die away.
Let the winds blow the rainclouds away.
when most things dont make sense
all i want to do is eat, watch a video or sleep, no amount to these ever satiate the hunger
and i feel is remorse at time wasted, oh yeah, i cant enjoy a moment without paying it a silent tribute
but of late i have a pregnant feeling of dumbness, monotonous dumbness
that has overstayed it unwelcomnes.
as if my mood spirals down and yet finding new levels of normality, planes where i have always been, no real way to say i am in a spiral. It must be one of those trick pictures with the ever-flowing water and never ending steps.
there is so much to do in the coming weeks, that it all cant possibly be done, yet i cant get started. the moles look so much like mountains, how am i to move them?
there is so much inertia, that no amount of me can break over
so i dabble in the random, that even i cannot predict me.
oh yeah, i think i am ready for something new.
let the old worry about itself. let fires burn down, embers die away.
Let the winds blow the rainclouds away.
Slanting Rain
drops rain from the sky
monotnonous and without a break
the moonlight fails to breaks the darkness
wet puddles on the tarmac,
drops shine like little diamonds, as
footsteps breaks their calm surface
the rain is relentless,
darkness impermiable
smoke swirls out from the cigarette
it could well be
a gangster movie
monotnonous and without a break
the moonlight fails to breaks the darkness
wet puddles on the tarmac,
drops shine like little diamonds, as
footsteps breaks their calm surface
the rain is relentless,
darkness impermiable
smoke swirls out from the cigarette
it could well be
a gangster movie
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Another hole in the wall
There are times when you can read another like a book. almost as if thought develops simultaneously in two minds, and it is a thought that one should know and the other, in the normal spread of things wouldnt know until it was told by the first. Dont know what to call this, yet, this makes it real uncomfortable to pretend, to respond normally, to act surprised if the situation demands.
Sunday, August 3, 2008
Thoughts..
You are the sunshine
That wakes me up in the morning
You are the rain
That washes my frown away
You are a thought
That makes me smile
You are a fragrance
That is feminineness defined
You are a touch
You are a sound
You are a part
Of my mind, of me.
That wakes me up in the morning
You are the rain
That washes my frown away
You are a thought
That makes me smile
You are a fragrance
That is feminineness defined
You are a touch
You are a sound
You are a part
Of my mind, of me.
Friday, August 1, 2008
Ma new girlfriend
my new wife, bedfellow and lover
hmm. no masala here, it s just work!
no i am not working to forget, rather work is making me forget
so this new one is nice, she s there wheneever i want her
24 hours a day when i seek her
she looks different, sometimes looks like a lappie and otherwise a meeting
the prof, the diro or the team
it s been a while since someone has made me think
of nothing but her for hours on end
the more i spend on her, the more she wants
na, she aint satisfied that easy
i aint gonna be able to leave her
till september middle when she come out
hopefully in all her glory
hmm. no masala here, it s just work!
no i am not working to forget, rather work is making me forget
so this new one is nice, she s there wheneever i want her
24 hours a day when i seek her
she looks different, sometimes looks like a lappie and otherwise a meeting
the prof, the diro or the team
it s been a while since someone has made me think
of nothing but her for hours on end
the more i spend on her, the more she wants
na, she aint satisfied that easy
i aint gonna be able to leave her
till september middle when she come out
hopefully in all her glory
i would normally never accept it, but since this is what cant be said
i say, i am a sentimentalist
i am foolish romantic
i am childishly fantastical in my fantasies
i am in a limbo now
going nowhere
i have been ere for years
i dont know if i want to be more serious, that is perhaps a bad idea for i am numbingly so
should i be more humorous, alas humor is not for all, and i have told i have a sad sense of it
i could be more light, yeah. light.
light, therefore i should drink more, dance more, get merry more
do everything that i am not stopped from doing
but who stops me but myself huh
what do i do about the sentimentalism part
or the romantic part
why dont i just be!
shit this random thought of nonsense
i say, i am a sentimentalist
i am foolish romantic
i am childishly fantastical in my fantasies
i am in a limbo now
going nowhere
i have been ere for years
i dont know if i want to be more serious, that is perhaps a bad idea for i am numbingly so
should i be more humorous, alas humor is not for all, and i have told i have a sad sense of it
i could be more light, yeah. light.
light, therefore i should drink more, dance more, get merry more
do everything that i am not stopped from doing
but who stops me but myself huh
what do i do about the sentimentalism part
or the romantic part
why dont i just be!
shit this random thought of nonsense
Saturday, July 26, 2008
The Echo of thought
enchanted by
that my breath stops, for reasons unknown
so powerful
that it moves me, to places unforgettable
so desirable
the fragrance, the scent of a woman
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Photographic Memories
i was going through some old photos. and imagining what if i were there now. i am a different me now, so what if i walked into that pic. i decide it would be good fun, more of less. i guess certain ones i would rather avoid..
they say most things you do in life you do because you enjoyed it at some point in time. so there is no point complaining now. is there.
hmm.. leme see about these ten pics ..
1. A pic of about 10-11 guys gorgin on one f the inhouse gorging days at one of the 'bachelor' dens i stayed in Abu Dhabi: well, to start with there is KFC, pepsi, lots of alcohol. certain guys i dont mind drinking with, yeah, this one gets a pass; i would walk into it. i am sure i would get certain of those barbs i missed then, and yeah i can pass a few back
2. Burj-al-Arab in the back, beach, sunset.. in the view: i can remember me and Chirac were there. it was perhaps the first year in Dubai. First year since i left my home. 20 year old and rather over-awed by life. frustrated hormone driven. Hmm.. it was a beautiful time, every day was novel, colourful when seen in fast forwarded memories. yeah, i would definitely step in now, there is so much to do, to see.
3. Sister, Isaac (1) and Samuel (2): Rekha wants the perfect shot, and i am jobless. i think i was working in Dubai and had driven (taxied i.e) down to Abu Dhabi on an off day to see them. i loved the kids, when they were that age, i love them now. Cant wait to go and see them on 17th.
4. Outside Marina Mall: Primary Workplace.. Secondary Home, Social hangout, Kitchen. Must have spent awful amiounts of time there. no, i dont want to step in. Oh yeah, there was Sharon there. hmm. no, no thanks.
5. General Mall'ing with Rekha and Family: Couple of people in retail meant lots of interest in malls. Was lonely period too, in Abu Dhabi. I liked going with them then, am not sure i want to be in now. memories are nice though.
6. Us in some Club: Cant see who all are there. But, hmm. must have been fun. yeah, considering i am sitting alone in my room, on a saturday night.. sure thing
7. Desert Safari, sands all around,me in the front seat of a LandCruiser: sunny and fun. A Stomach churning drive through the desert, nice company. arabic belly dancing. Sand bikes. Aarabic Grilled chicken and daaru. Yeah babe, count me in!
8. Office Party in Copa Cabana: Well, so we achieved an amazing target and we get treated to dinner, and a T-Shirt. oh yeah, a MontBlanc watch. but there was so much kissing up to the CEO, and who feels comfortable when all the bosses are there. it was BORING. no.
9. Abu Dhabi Golf tournament: WoW, 4 days in at the Abu Dhabi Golf Club. the food, the drink and the 'SIGHTS'. Yes.
10. Pakistan India Final in Sharjah: INDIA WON! yes.
they say most things you do in life you do because you enjoyed it at some point in time. so there is no point complaining now. is there.
hmm.. leme see about these ten pics ..
1. A pic of about 10-11 guys gorgin on one f the inhouse gorging days at one of the 'bachelor' dens i stayed in Abu Dhabi: well, to start with there is KFC, pepsi, lots of alcohol. certain guys i dont mind drinking with, yeah, this one gets a pass; i would walk into it. i am sure i would get certain of those barbs i missed then, and yeah i can pass a few back
2. Burj-al-Arab in the back, beach, sunset.. in the view: i can remember me and Chirac were there. it was perhaps the first year in Dubai. First year since i left my home. 20 year old and rather over-awed by life. frustrated hormone driven. Hmm.. it was a beautiful time, every day was novel, colourful when seen in fast forwarded memories. yeah, i would definitely step in now, there is so much to do, to see.
3. Sister, Isaac (1) and Samuel (2): Rekha wants the perfect shot, and i am jobless. i think i was working in Dubai and had driven (taxied i.e) down to Abu Dhabi on an off day to see them. i loved the kids, when they were that age, i love them now. Cant wait to go and see them on 17th.
4. Outside Marina Mall: Primary Workplace.. Secondary Home, Social hangout, Kitchen. Must have spent awful amiounts of time there. no, i dont want to step in. Oh yeah, there was Sharon there. hmm. no, no thanks.
5. General Mall'ing with Rekha and Family: Couple of people in retail meant lots of interest in malls. Was lonely period too, in Abu Dhabi. I liked going with them then, am not sure i want to be in now. memories are nice though.
6. Us in some Club: Cant see who all are there. But, hmm. must have been fun. yeah, considering i am sitting alone in my room, on a saturday night.. sure thing
7. Desert Safari, sands all around,me in the front seat of a LandCruiser: sunny and fun. A Stomach churning drive through the desert, nice company. arabic belly dancing. Sand bikes. Aarabic Grilled chicken and daaru. Yeah babe, count me in!
8. Office Party in Copa Cabana: Well, so we achieved an amazing target and we get treated to dinner, and a T-Shirt. oh yeah, a MontBlanc watch. but there was so much kissing up to the CEO, and who feels comfortable when all the bosses are there. it was BORING. no.
9. Abu Dhabi Golf tournament: WoW, 4 days in at the Abu Dhabi Golf Club. the food, the drink and the 'SIGHTS'. Yes.
10. Pakistan India Final in Sharjah: INDIA WON! yes.
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Bag is mine
who packed me bags, i do like to do it myself. I fancy it new and colourful, a pretty package definitely; but my squashy nose, rash hair and constant twitch in the neck were all pre packed, DNAs and whatever else my parents bestowed on me. so large bones were packed in by the fish and calcium sandoz tablets mom fed me for 'strong bones'. the "more than we can actually afford" school was neatly folded in by dad. Even as i'd rather quetly acknowledge these, i blow my trumpets elsewhere. the belief systems, faith in a religion, in God, morals and ethics i believe i have, well, those too were packed by family, bags handed over by parents and parents of parents. parents of parents of parents. so, on reflection, the bags actually look older now, handed over genereation to next. yet, they are a handsom lot.yet these bags have in them a few things that none else packed in. me exist, oh those in the corner, experience, the happiness i chesish, the sadnes i keep packed up, those i packed. i need to repack and look again at what excess baggage i carry around, what hangs so heavy around my neck. pull out some of those more interesting things from somewhere within, to be able to listen to what happens around, to feel the rush again, to actually get high, to feel like first time this time too.
Saturday, June 28, 2008
"Leave Out All The Rest" Linkin Park
I dreamed I was missing
You were so scared
But no one would listen
Cause no one else cared
After my dreaming
I woke with this fear
What am I leaving
When I'm done here
So if you're asking me
I want you to know
When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
And don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest
Don't be afraid
I've taken my beating
I've shared what I made
I'm strong on the surface
Not all the way through
I've never been perfect
But neither have you
Forgetting
All the hurt inside
You've learned to hide so well
Pretending
Someone else can come and save me from myself
I can't be who you are
You were so scared
But no one would listen
Cause no one else cared
After my dreaming
I woke with this fear
What am I leaving
When I'm done here
So if you're asking me
I want you to know
When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
And don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest
Don't be afraid
I've taken my beating
I've shared what I made
I'm strong on the surface
Not all the way through
I've never been perfect
But neither have you
Forgetting
All the hurt inside
You've learned to hide so well
Pretending
Someone else can come and save me from myself
I can't be who you are
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Anyone Else But You (The Moldy Peaches)
Soundtrack: Juno - damn nice for a movie soundtrack..
You're a part time lover and a full time friend
The monkey on you're back is the latest trend
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you
Here is the church and here is the steeple
We sure are cute for two ugly people
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you
We both have shiny happy fits of rage
You want more fans, I want more stage
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you
You are always trying to keep it real
I'm in love with how you feel
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you
I kiss you on the brain in the shadow of a train
I kiss you all starry eyed, my body's swinging from side to side
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you
The pebbles forgive me, the trees forgive me
So why can't, you forgive me?
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you
Du dududu dududu du dududu
Du dududu dududu du dududu
I don't see what anypne can see, in anyone else
But you
is blind
"in her elusiveness, like a thought that presents itself to consciousness and vanishes before it can be captured by words, lay her peculiar charm"
Monday, June 9, 2008
it rains. rather, it showers. day and night. never too strongly too long, never stops too long, that you forget that it might start again. the greens remain bright, forever glistening with fresh morning brightness. i can smell the pink flowers accross the garden, i can smell the cows tied accross the meadow. i can smell the trees and the bark, the smell of cooking from the back of the house. in the unhindered silence i can hear the kitchen help chat with amma. power flickers on and off, never lingering on for too long, always playful. in the night it is a game between sanyo emergency lamps, the torch, the inverter, the flurorescent lights, the TV and the buzzing household appliances all work in turns. it is still showering, like someone forgot to turn off the skies after the rain. tress envelop the house, greens assault the vision. it is ideallic, comfortable, timeless and intensly beautiful. they say you get tired of any surrounding after 15 minutes. maybe an overstatement, give me a day and i can still appreciate how pretty this place is. But i call it home, and by policy if you live in a beautiful place, its beauty cannot arrest.as i was riding down the state highway, on my way from Bangalore to this small town Kerala, i realised the place was so beautiful. No, not that i never knew it before, just that i had gone down to Coorg and commmented on how beautiful the place was, well on qualitative terms, it would be difficult to differentiate between the two. this place ranks pretty close. i just dint think of it that way. 'su' has this one line solution to most of mans maliases - the grass on the other side is greener, hm, maybe i can hear her saying this to me now.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Un Explore
The unexplored. is the source of all excitement. if there was something to, what would that be?
the world - so many places – to backback in, to work in
hard physical labour
art and theatre
enthusiasm and exuberance in life – of existence
fitness, muscles
pot and state of utter drunkenness
fun relationships and positions
falling through space – bungee jumping?
Huge canvas and litres of paint.
Work, intellectual labor?
Nice fight – the physical type
Food that tastes different from anything I have yet
Utter solitude
Timelessness
New York
Boating Yatch type
the world - so many places – to backback in, to work in
hard physical labour
art and theatre
enthusiasm and exuberance in life – of existence
fitness, muscles
pot and state of utter drunkenness
fun relationships and positions
falling through space – bungee jumping?
Huge canvas and litres of paint.
Work, intellectual labor?
Nice fight – the physical type
Food that tastes different from anything I have yet
Utter solitude
Timelessness
New York
Boating Yatch type
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Nothingness
Feeling insecure. the most fucked up feeling allright. and for no reason. i had a great day today. it is one of those days when insecurities of the past wake up and decide to walk up into my present. like unseen ghosts, unwelcome spirits they are. they cloud my face. a serious me is a bad sight all right. dont know if i am intimidating, i suppose i can be. one person's insecuritiywake up dormant insecurities of another, till all that exist is an uncomfortable silence to which solitude appears the only solution. smiles appear stretched and shallow, jokes unfunny, and humour sour. i know i will wake up tomorrow and be allright. yet.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Generally what I write is a mish mash of the ‘unhappened’, ‘could have happened’, and ‘why it did not happen’.. I hardly feel the need to write the ‘what happened’. Well maybe I’d rather not save my experiences for posterity, I’d rather just let myself keep what I need in my head and forget the rest. Why would I need to save what has already happened? I was there, may be I’ll remember, and if u weren’t, why would you care anyway. If I forget in a while, which might well just happen, it is great – for the next time I have such an experience I wont have the baggage of previous great experiences to beat. Ok, that s an ‘eternal sunshine of the spotless mind’ moment. Yea, there is nothing of that sort on this planet, we don’t have that luxury, the ghosts of our past will catch up, memories make past experiences seem ever more enchanting, people seem more interesting than they ever were, I’l imagine myself younger and more energetic than I ever was. The world would seem less spoiled, more green. Blemishes are forgotten and yet faults get exaggerated, reality mixed with the imagined served on a platter the need of the hour.
Anyhow, let me try and write something on this very interesting weekend
So the story starts with the stated - unstated need to boast, hey what did u do this weekend – nothing? Shee, what did u do last weekend – NOTHING!! .. oh mi gawd.. u know.. I went to Coorg.. how cool am i!
Well for whatever the reasons may be, the weekend was a treasure to be stored for posterity. So it was me, her, two old and yet new friends, a driver and a car, few coconut laddus, namkeen, a DVD with random videos and a half baked plan. The decision to go was in the morning and we left in the night, so we found ourselves at our fist pee spot couple of hours too early for things we could do close by, and the only thing we could was too far away to make. What made up was the amazing drive from the pee spot to Madikeri, the winding road had really beautiful scenery on both sides, tall trees and coffee.
We reached the first spot called Raja seat, and of course we took this winding trail to nowhere, with picture book steep ravine on one side with fern covered rocks with hardly a feet of the train in between. We only reached a little late to see the sun-rise which any way was on the wrong side of the mountain.
Breakfast of puttu- which is rice flour steamed with grated coconut, with ‘kadala curry’. Puttu was nice, my girl and I ordered. the two friends, one from somewhere up north, the other a fake Hyderabady, took a ‘safer’ bet by ordering idli which turned out to be good for the old guns in the madikeri fort as ammo. So puttu went down with steaming coorg ka cofi in dirty half cracked glasses.
Break fast followed by a random search for a place to stay, so we found one soon enuf and cheap enuf too, so there were three beds for 4 of us, space enuf. The girls didn’t mind, which was good enuf. So we have a room and lots of time.. so we start.. for TalaCauvery, a farce if ever there was one. There was enuf water to drown a mouse. Let alone white water rafting the website promised. We went to the Sangam which was the meeting point of three rivers, how exciting. I could imagine three rivers flowing into each other, with the force enough to smother a mountain and.. hm.. we see a small little piss pot of a stream.
Lunch back in Madikeri preceeded a reluctant us heading to Abbey Falls. The driver showed the most enthusiasm, he being happy that his meter was clocking his rupees. What followed was a different story. I took a small dirt trail and other came along, this led to a stream, rock strewn, slippery with moss and irresistibly attractive and beautiful. There was no way we couldn’t not walk down. My girl was all enthusiasm for it. We kept at it, balancing on tottering rocks raising flocks of mosquitoes and bugs. So finally we reached the place under the bridge which is the main vantage point for tourists. We were the only idiots not on it, and we were the object of ridicule / amazement for many on it. Few more minutes saw a gesticulating policeman blowing his whistle and shouting in Kannada. Among the indecipherable shit what he said, it was clear we weren’t supposed to be where we were. Blows looked imminent. We climbed up a trail to the wrong side of the footbridge, there was a locked gate and very angry policeman on the other side. The guy obviously wanted us to climb over. He pointed at me, again the message was very clear, you piece of shit, climb over and I am going to beat some sense into you. Well, obviously I hesitated.
Presence of mind is a nice thing, and so is guts. Suha jumps over immediately. The cop cant well beat a woman. We follow.
From here we drove back to see the sun set. Then a fort nearby. The small confused streets, old architecture, metamorphic clouds, bright flowers and suha, all made for a nice pleasant feeling. We sat on the walls of the fort till night fell. Some nice pics taken today, we sat and saw them.
Later the girls fell asleep. I and ankesh went for dinner. Next morning I woke up next to her, nice morning. Pari was most enthusiastic and generally pushed us all out of bed by 6. Ankesh managed to sleep lil more.
We reached Dubare the elephant camp. The drive was again beautiful. We overshot the sign in a very filmy way and reversed into the right road. the camp was the other side of a stream. We could see elephants bathing from here.
Bathing the beast: when you washing the largest animal on land, you’d feel a little threatened. But the guys here were rather nice, and showed a sort of patient indifference the general molestation. Again, I took a lot of pics. The girls enjoyed a lot. Anyhow, you can wash an elephant only for so long. so we walked around, and I said, lets go climb a tree. J we did actually. Four of us on top and the camera below. Anybody who walked our way was asked to take a few pics. Funny stuff.
Later we went to nisargadhama, a park by the river. After trying the swings and even a see-saw! We sat down in a machan - watch towers set on bamboo thickets. Some coziness got us stares from distraught parents and single men. After this we got lost in the park and walked around pulling around a sulking pari. after about an hour we found neat spot to take a dip in the river. So we did. We floated around in the shallow waters under tall trees. It looked like a place that would be a lot more threatening when the river was high. It was mellow enough now.
Most of the day was done, time to go back. The drive back began, we stopped at a Tibetian monastery on the way – the prayer halls are amazing. Then the long drive back. Suha curled up on me. we all played antakhsari. I cant sing to save my life. yet I pretended to. Got caught soon. Then people fell asleep one by one.
Anyhow, let me try and write something on this very interesting weekend
So the story starts with the stated - unstated need to boast, hey what did u do this weekend – nothing? Shee, what did u do last weekend – NOTHING!! .. oh mi gawd.. u know.. I went to Coorg.. how cool am i!
Well for whatever the reasons may be, the weekend was a treasure to be stored for posterity. So it was me, her, two old and yet new friends, a driver and a car, few coconut laddus, namkeen, a DVD with random videos and a half baked plan. The decision to go was in the morning and we left in the night, so we found ourselves at our fist pee spot couple of hours too early for things we could do close by, and the only thing we could was too far away to make. What made up was the amazing drive from the pee spot to Madikeri, the winding road had really beautiful scenery on both sides, tall trees and coffee.
We reached the first spot called Raja seat, and of course we took this winding trail to nowhere, with picture book steep ravine on one side with fern covered rocks with hardly a feet of the train in between. We only reached a little late to see the sun-rise which any way was on the wrong side of the mountain.
Breakfast of puttu- which is rice flour steamed with grated coconut, with ‘kadala curry’. Puttu was nice, my girl and I ordered. the two friends, one from somewhere up north, the other a fake Hyderabady, took a ‘safer’ bet by ordering idli which turned out to be good for the old guns in the madikeri fort as ammo. So puttu went down with steaming coorg ka cofi in dirty half cracked glasses.
Break fast followed by a random search for a place to stay, so we found one soon enuf and cheap enuf too, so there were three beds for 4 of us, space enuf. The girls didn’t mind, which was good enuf. So we have a room and lots of time.. so we start.. for TalaCauvery, a farce if ever there was one. There was enuf water to drown a mouse. Let alone white water rafting the website promised. We went to the Sangam which was the meeting point of three rivers, how exciting. I could imagine three rivers flowing into each other, with the force enough to smother a mountain and.. hm.. we see a small little piss pot of a stream.
Lunch back in Madikeri preceeded a reluctant us heading to Abbey Falls. The driver showed the most enthusiasm, he being happy that his meter was clocking his rupees. What followed was a different story. I took a small dirt trail and other came along, this led to a stream, rock strewn, slippery with moss and irresistibly attractive and beautiful. There was no way we couldn’t not walk down. My girl was all enthusiasm for it. We kept at it, balancing on tottering rocks raising flocks of mosquitoes and bugs. So finally we reached the place under the bridge which is the main vantage point for tourists. We were the only idiots not on it, and we were the object of ridicule / amazement for many on it. Few more minutes saw a gesticulating policeman blowing his whistle and shouting in Kannada. Among the indecipherable shit what he said, it was clear we weren’t supposed to be where we were. Blows looked imminent. We climbed up a trail to the wrong side of the footbridge, there was a locked gate and very angry policeman on the other side. The guy obviously wanted us to climb over. He pointed at me, again the message was very clear, you piece of shit, climb over and I am going to beat some sense into you. Well, obviously I hesitated.
Presence of mind is a nice thing, and so is guts. Suha jumps over immediately. The cop cant well beat a woman. We follow.
From here we drove back to see the sun set. Then a fort nearby. The small confused streets, old architecture, metamorphic clouds, bright flowers and suha, all made for a nice pleasant feeling. We sat on the walls of the fort till night fell. Some nice pics taken today, we sat and saw them.
Later the girls fell asleep. I and ankesh went for dinner. Next morning I woke up next to her, nice morning. Pari was most enthusiastic and generally pushed us all out of bed by 6. Ankesh managed to sleep lil more.
We reached Dubare the elephant camp. The drive was again beautiful. We overshot the sign in a very filmy way and reversed into the right road. the camp was the other side of a stream. We could see elephants bathing from here.
Bathing the beast: when you washing the largest animal on land, you’d feel a little threatened. But the guys here were rather nice, and showed a sort of patient indifference the general molestation. Again, I took a lot of pics. The girls enjoyed a lot. Anyhow, you can wash an elephant only for so long. so we walked around, and I said, lets go climb a tree. J we did actually. Four of us on top and the camera below. Anybody who walked our way was asked to take a few pics. Funny stuff.
Later we went to nisargadhama, a park by the river. After trying the swings and even a see-saw! We sat down in a machan - watch towers set on bamboo thickets. Some coziness got us stares from distraught parents and single men. After this we got lost in the park and walked around pulling around a sulking pari. after about an hour we found neat spot to take a dip in the river. So we did. We floated around in the shallow waters under tall trees. It looked like a place that would be a lot more threatening when the river was high. It was mellow enough now.
Most of the day was done, time to go back. The drive back began, we stopped at a Tibetian monastery on the way – the prayer halls are amazing. Then the long drive back. Suha curled up on me. we all played antakhsari. I cant sing to save my life. yet I pretended to. Got caught soon. Then people fell asleep one by one.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
the road is gray
so overcast sky is
gray are phantoms of smoke that smother
gray is colour and not one too
like muddled brown white and gray
faded shirts, dirty pants and dusty bodies
my favorite pair of trousers too
gray is my mood, clouded by a cocktail
cocktail of boredom, of blandness
blandness to forget by pretense
boredom that threatens loneliness
why are all buildings white gray or brown
why are most cars painted same
why is that dust coated trees dont look green anymore
why does dulled wits dull me
why is that all i see is starvation, misery and greed
I need to live in an orange building
with vermillion walls and maroon ceilings
yellow roads and fluorescent skies
purple trees and scarlet fountains
rainbows omnipresent amongst multicoloured rain drops
laughing children play among bouncing birds
love seeps through radiant eyes
scintillating fragrances entrap the dancers
music made to move mountains, we swing to
as frying spices and meats fill senses
brushes colour great canvaces, more colours fill the sky
this cannot last. this cannot last
this too becomes bland
great food is like a rainbow, yet great food is great only till hunger is gone
the first look, touch, and kiss,attractive as they are
as only as great as the first orgasm
only to pass in moments and leave
forlone in blandness, loss without hope
work once done, leaves nothing for later
no pleasure no sparks of electricity
so overcast sky is
gray are phantoms of smoke that smother
gray is colour and not one too
like muddled brown white and gray
faded shirts, dirty pants and dusty bodies
my favorite pair of trousers too
gray is my mood, clouded by a cocktail
cocktail of boredom, of blandness
blandness to forget by pretense
boredom that threatens loneliness
why are all buildings white gray or brown
why are most cars painted same
why is that dust coated trees dont look green anymore
why does dulled wits dull me
why is that all i see is starvation, misery and greed
I need to live in an orange building
with vermillion walls and maroon ceilings
yellow roads and fluorescent skies
purple trees and scarlet fountains
rainbows omnipresent amongst multicoloured rain drops
laughing children play among bouncing birds
love seeps through radiant eyes
scintillating fragrances entrap the dancers
music made to move mountains, we swing to
as frying spices and meats fill senses
brushes colour great canvaces, more colours fill the sky
this cannot last. this cannot last
this too becomes bland
great food is like a rainbow, yet great food is great only till hunger is gone
the first look, touch, and kiss,attractive as they are
as only as great as the first orgasm
only to pass in moments and leave
forlone in blandness, loss without hope
work once done, leaves nothing for later
no pleasure no sparks of electricity
Saturday, May 10, 2008
i am getting quite attached to this room here
i have to list all the reasons why it is
1. for all the movies that i played .. and forgot to watch.. of waking up...
2. for this godrej almarah one of my predecessors must have spiced up - see the pic
3. for d net connection - and being able to play d music i want without considering room-mates.
4. it is very cool and windy. even in summer.. how would d winter b?
5. Automatic Washing machine and ironing lady.
6. Single bread omlette in the morning with very kadwa kofi that the guy refueses to dilute
7. slightly creaky fan for company when i am alone
8. the mango tree outside and that beautifully orange gulmohar
9. my resident chipkali.. he chirps at all the right times, like when you need a second opinion, he always seconds mine :)
i have to list all the reasons why it is
1. for all the movies that i played .. and forgot to watch.. of waking up...
2. for this godrej almarah one of my predecessors must have spiced up - see the pic
3. for d net connection - and being able to play d music i want without considering room-mates.
4. it is very cool and windy. even in summer.. how would d winter b?
5. Automatic Washing machine and ironing lady.
6. Single bread omlette in the morning with very kadwa kofi that the guy refueses to dilute
7. slightly creaky fan for company when i am alone
8. the mango tree outside and that beautifully orange gulmohar
9. my resident chipkali.. he chirps at all the right times, like when you need a second opinion, he always seconds mine :)
Sunday morning
oh.. the joy of weekends, of 24 hours net access, of a single room, of that someone's presence, of lack of policing, of greenery, rain and the smell of thunder,
the joy of the daaru stop right outside, old friends, old friends and daaru, the travel, of good company, of great music to shake my legs to, of youtube, of dc++ and movies, of cornerhouse and DBC, of 8 hours of sleep, of this great campus, of 24 hours avaialbility of food, of sitting out and reading, of that great library, of having a whole floor of silent semi dark library just for you.., the hope of the stipend, of having spent it times over yet,
Saturday, May 3, 2008
This is the true joy of life, the being used up for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; being a force of nature instead of a feverish, selfish little clot of ailments and grievances, complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy. – George Bernard Shaw
what is my mighty force?
what is my mighty force?
Friday, May 2, 2008
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Funny old story
old stories are great, and when told by old friends, there can be nothing better.
so i met this old dude from college
a nut case if ever there was one
he ended up in the ISB,
which shocks me to no small extent - what on earth were they thinking!
anyway, he marries this girl from the ISB, an investment banker married to a nut
ok, to do justice, he is no longer a complete nut, but you could say half baked one :)
and so we talk
and he says he s married to Sharu
hmm!!
well
so i tell him u know my gf.sory ex is called that
and well break up story, and well..patch up dude
you look cute and great together
are you mad
go to delhi
go go
why does everyone tell me this
why do i end up teling!
anyway back to the story he was tellin
on the day Bain and co was in campus, he decides was the day the batch should dress up in superman costume - which he made for his section, so he has people dress in blue t's, b slacks and red undies .. OVER the trousers. so bain comes and all they see is a bunch of supermadmen
and bain does the superman trick of flying away .. he he
shit happens
so i met this old dude from college
a nut case if ever there was one
he ended up in the ISB,
which shocks me to no small extent - what on earth were they thinking!
anyway, he marries this girl from the ISB, an investment banker married to a nut
ok, to do justice, he is no longer a complete nut, but you could say half baked one :)
and so we talk
and he says he s married to Sharu
hmm!!
well
so i tell him u know my gf.sory ex is called that
and well break up story, and well..patch up dude
you look cute and great together
are you mad
go to delhi
go go
why does everyone tell me this
why do i end up teling!
anyway back to the story he was tellin
on the day Bain and co was in campus, he decides was the day the batch should dress up in superman costume - which he made for his section, so he has people dress in blue t's, b slacks and red undies .. OVER the trousers. so bain comes and all they see is a bunch of supermadmen
and bain does the superman trick of flying away .. he he
shit happens
Nowhere for ever
you say we were on a road to nowhere
but i said nowhere was a place
where there was no one but you
so we walked down the road,
and you shouted nowhere nowhere
i said this was perhaps not the place
that nowhere couldnt be a destination
because it was the end
so we walked on, pushing nowhere down we didnt know where
and you shouted nowhere nowhere
i turned around to look
and you we there no more
i was nowhere and there no was no one, not you
so i shouted out, to a silhouette i could just see
walking on, oh what did i see
still walking, that silhoutte turns around and says
i told you so, i told you so
then walk a new road to a new nowhere
walking with a new novelty
indeed nowhere is the destination
but i said nowhere was a place
where there was no one but you
so we walked down the road,
and you shouted nowhere nowhere
i said this was perhaps not the place
that nowhere couldnt be a destination
because it was the end
so we walked on, pushing nowhere down we didnt know where
and you shouted nowhere nowhere
i turned around to look
and you we there no more
i was nowhere and there no was no one, not you
so i shouted out, to a silhouette i could just see
walking on, oh what did i see
still walking, that silhoutte turns around and says
i told you so, i told you so
then walk a new road to a new nowhere
walking with a new novelty
indeed nowhere is the destination
So it was a musty huge library that did it this time. no alcohol, no music, no overlooking waiters. just racks of dusty books and fading lights. there was a comfortable reading sofa though. so it took off where the last one stopped. there was no explanation, no stories.
she put it perfectly, it is a search for comfort more than attraction.
but there is the difference you see, attraction has its own attraction.
"when i am with you, i am in a different world" she said, different from the world we are running away from, the world we'd rather be in, the world we should ideally be conquering.
she put it perfectly, it is a search for comfort more than attraction.
but there is the difference you see, attraction has its own attraction.
"when i am with you, i am in a different world" she said, different from the world we are running away from, the world we'd rather be in, the world we should ideally be conquering.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
The begining of the end
Oh, it is the 20th already. Life is surprising. I am depressed. My heart has been beating like an overworked public bus engine. I was lying down and sleep would just not come. Food I don’t feel interest for, conversation I don’t feel the need to make. I am what I am, distant and cold. I cannot relate to the world that I see. I want to die. I am deep and reserved. The smile that I smile is artificial. I do not have a reason to be sad, neither do I feel happy. Hurt exist in me. Reading, music and movies, friend, drinks, parties, smoking all seem vain. This small room I am in is claustrophobic. The world outside is intimidating. I am a boy in a mans world, a man in a boys body. Love that I scorned, scorns me back now. I don’t need to exist, the world wouldn’t know my passing. I don’t exist. I could be anywhere now, now is all that matters. I don’t want to be anywhere. Not here, not there. Time strolls by, the only absolute, he acknowledges me, and I nod back to him. March on, I remain. I don’t exist.
Saturday, April 19, 2008
The amount of time it took for the second entry,..perhaps self professed love for writing is just a fantasy, for when you finally get down to the front of the screen, gotten rid of gtalk which has already swerved your thought pattern from what you really wanted to write, they just seem to vanish - thoughts i.e. then when you actually write whatever crap u do, save it and google presents you the page in all its glory you run to press the delete button because it all sounds so darn fake.
a good writer, cant say author, should be good with coming up with titles and names right? then i must be a terrible one, cause i bad with names. for instance i was out with frinds all day yesterday having a great time, and this girl who was in the same qualis you know blah blah, and the end of it all, at 1AMish we say 'cya' and after the bye i cant remember her name for the life of me..she says bye whoever, and i can only smile..
and see, this blog is called nonsense's boyfriend, what a wierd name, but i cant come up with another one.it should not be called this.
i hope my better half is better with names for otherwise d kids will be nameless, or i shall call them junior.. what about prince.. king. great names for malayalee kids anyway.
another problem with writing is, the temptation to go on and on, not only do i realise that it becomes boring, is a sign of self obsession and boredom, i also have to mention that writing more progressively increases the temptation to do 'Cntr+A' and then 'del', in other words to junk whatever was written. thoughts are like that, they better remain in the head, it is always, Believe me, ALWAYS a bad idea to put thoughts into words. now i need to go turn off the quirky washing machine before it turns my shirts and underwears into the cotton pulp out of which they were made. yeah! i am washing clothers at 7 in the morning on a sunday, after going to sleep at 4..
a good writer, cant say author, should be good with coming up with titles and names right? then i must be a terrible one, cause i bad with names. for instance i was out with frinds all day yesterday having a great time, and this girl who was in the same qualis you know blah blah, and the end of it all, at 1AMish we say 'cya' and after the bye i cant remember her name for the life of me..she says bye whoever, and i can only smile..
and see, this blog is called nonsense's boyfriend, what a wierd name, but i cant come up with another one.it should not be called this.
i hope my better half is better with names for otherwise d kids will be nameless, or i shall call them junior.. what about prince.. king. great names for malayalee kids anyway.
another problem with writing is, the temptation to go on and on, not only do i realise that it becomes boring, is a sign of self obsession and boredom, i also have to mention that writing more progressively increases the temptation to do 'Cntr+A' and then 'del', in other words to junk whatever was written. thoughts are like that, they better remain in the head, it is always, Believe me, ALWAYS a bad idea to put thoughts into words. now i need to go turn off the quirky washing machine before it turns my shirts and underwears into the cotton pulp out of which they were made. yeah! i am washing clothers at 7 in the morning on a sunday, after going to sleep at 4..
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
The beginning
To her... how is that sometimes we are so free and as one and sometimes rude or just cool and then cold :) you must know what i mean.. we were cool, then rude before new year.. we were lovers at the birth of 2008 we were in love.. once it dawned.
but i like you for this. there is some anxiety, some pain, lot of .. what do i say.. bliss?
the wait and the blood than ran amok in my veins when i couldnt get in touch for just one hour.. today... it was amazing.. then i was speaking to you.. and you was just.. there ... plain. strange.
you know what they say.
that there are three things that are never satisfied,
four things that never say. "it is enough"
the Grave
the barren womb
the earth that is not satisfied with water,
and the fire that never says "its enough"
but i think I too will never be satisfied of you. i will never have enough of you.
but i like you for this. there is some anxiety, some pain, lot of .. what do i say.. bliss?
the wait and the blood than ran amok in my veins when i couldnt get in touch for just one hour.. today... it was amazing.. then i was speaking to you.. and you was just.. there ... plain. strange.
you know what they say.
that there are three things that are never satisfied,
four things that never say. "it is enough"
the Grave
the barren womb
the earth that is not satisfied with water,
and the fire that never says "its enough"
but i think I too will never be satisfied of you. i will never have enough of you.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Sometimes there is this intense need to shout out, to tell everything as they were, without language doing the bad job of interpreting thoughts, when thoughts are but ghosts of dreams.
jump off a cliff, and if there were just those five or ten seconds for all your thoughts, wouldn’t they come out clear. When you are falling free, how would the world matter? How would the future matter? How would illogical conviction, ethics or beliefs matter?
If fear were to be removed, it would be pure thought falling down, just the mind. Nude and in all its glory, pure emotions of love and hate.
The future, just the thought of it is binding, for if not for it I could be doing so many other things right now. I could paint my masterpiece, I could write down thoughts that now drift away.. I could learn to do all the things I wanted to, I could learn new languages, read all the books I wanted to, drown in some diluted spirit, sit in a quiet shack somewhere and watch the rain. I could do all this before I hit ground and landed back on reality square.
jump off a cliff, and if there were just those five or ten seconds for all your thoughts, wouldn’t they come out clear. When you are falling free, how would the world matter? How would the future matter? How would illogical conviction, ethics or beliefs matter?
If fear were to be removed, it would be pure thought falling down, just the mind. Nude and in all its glory, pure emotions of love and hate.
The future, just the thought of it is binding, for if not for it I could be doing so many other things right now. I could paint my masterpiece, I could write down thoughts that now drift away.. I could learn to do all the things I wanted to, I could learn new languages, read all the books I wanted to, drown in some diluted spirit, sit in a quiet shack somewhere and watch the rain. I could do all this before I hit ground and landed back on reality square.
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
Story
to her:. how is that sometimes we are so free and as one and sometimes rude or just cool and then cold :) you must know what i mean.. we were cool, then rude before new year.. we were lovers at the birth of 2008 we were in love.. once it dawned.
but i like you for this. there is some anxiety, some pain, lot of .. what do i say.. bliss?
the wait and the blood than ran amok in my veins when i couldnt get in touch for just one hour.. today... it was amazing.. then i was speaking to you.. and you was just.. there ... plain. strange.
you know what they say.
that there are three things that are never satisfied,
four things that never say. "it is enough"
the Grave
the barren womb
the earth that is not satisfied with water,
and the fire that never says "its enough"
but i think I too will never be satisfied of you. i will never have enough of you.
but i like you for this. there is some anxiety, some pain, lot of .. what do i say.. bliss?
the wait and the blood than ran amok in my veins when i couldnt get in touch for just one hour.. today... it was amazing.. then i was speaking to you.. and you was just.. there ... plain. strange.
you know what they say.
that there are three things that are never satisfied,
four things that never say. "it is enough"
the Grave
the barren womb
the earth that is not satisfied with water,
and the fire that never says "its enough"
but i think I too will never be satisfied of you. i will never have enough of you.
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