tic toc.. tic toc

i can hear it.. tic toc tic toc..

its being going on for ..forever i guess

like a seconds hand.. moving steadily

tic toc tic toc tic toc

every night i hear it

but i never registered it

like so many other things that become part of the scenery

selective cognisance.. or Reticular Activation System perhaps

anyway.. it still goes on .. tic toc tic toc

like a clock you would think

just like a clock

but.. strange thing is.

i dont have a clock in my home

really have to someday find then what makes this noise.

Cityscape

i have always hoped that i would get to live in many cities.. that i would meet many people, know many people, that i would try many new things. that experiences would make me wise...

all crap :)

anyways, i do still like the feeling of a new city though cant really say i would prefer change from the comfort of a settled life in a comfortable place..

so.. i was recently going thru old stuff, photos, documents and all.. and was reminded of the places i have lived in.. and each place there are a few memories that outshine others.

for instance in Kochi it is memories of my mother, still young with her hair still black. Smiling over me. I remember Kochi as a Small, Rich place.. with the childrens park, and the toy steam boats they sold outside the park. the city of my birth, Kochi is filled with memories of my family, because that was the last time my entire family lived together. I remember my school, even fleeting memories of the kintergarden.

Chennai - Huge, Smelly, Hot and Lost. Chennai should be a place where i am comfortable, but it is not. I completed school and college there, i made my first real friends, lost frieds to tragedy, rode my first bike, felt first attractions.. all here. But the place is still alien to me. unpleasant memories crowd out the pleasant ones

Dubai - Dark, Sexy, dangerous dubai.. smell of freedom.. the first time i was free. my first salary. first of so many things.. Each moment i spent there was amazing, i was happy and free. I worried about a career, about coming back.. but i was happy. most memories of Dubai is under the night sky, perhaps because i worked most of the days there. dint see much of the sun!

Ruwi, Oman - Serious, commercial and Direct.. First serious responsibilities in my life. learnt i could do what i wanted in life. that there were no limits.

Abu Dhabi - Crazy, Loonie and Fun. Among the loons of Abu dhabi i decided to come back to India do an MBA. Dont know why but this phase transformed me.

Pune - Calm, Young and Old both, Suave. the MBA! the less said the better, but two years well spent. friends i made for a lifetime.

Bangalore - Fast, Fun and Intelligent.. The bright little city which crowds so many experiences into so short a time for me. Different people, different places, and the things i did should again give me things to think of for a lifetime. Overall with the MBA experience makes me a different person. I aint the same guy who joined school

Mumbai - Fast Timeless ecstatic, truly a city that never sleeps. my memory of this is mainly of running somewhere or the other with luggage.. and of course some special memories

Madurai - Conservative, Dubious, Pathetic. The worst city or rather a town i have had the misfortune to live in, perhaps the most pathetic time i have had in my life. hated it. Such stupid people with their pseudo morals and conservatism.. idiots

Gurgaon - Insane, dusty and abusive. never lived in a place where the dichotomy of rich and poor is more visible. the middle path that we see everywhere else cant be seen here. You either drive a car, or you are poor enough to be forgotten. Malls and Skyscrapers sitting in dust. and yes the office and 8 hours of it.

hey.. oh hi!

it s again been a while since my last post. not that i forgot u.. blog :) not at all that i was too busy for you.. just that i had nothing to say.

being able to share a long pause.. a silence in the conversation.. isnt that the sign of good friends :P

talking to a blog.. would that be a sign of lunacy? maybe i should get a dog.. or perhaps a cat.

though i never had pictured in my mind what work life would be like, post the MBA, i assumed that it would be busy. That the day would be full of intellectual rigor, performance measured, compared.. data would flow in and out of excel, there would be a team where i started as an equal., these were kind of assumed, never expected.. nor imagined.

:) funny eh..

She looked so beautiful

Here she comes
Beauty plays the clown
Here she comes
Surreal in her crown

Is there a time for keeping your distance
A time to turn your eyes away
Is there a time for keeping your head down
For getting on with your day

Here she comes
Heads turn around
Here she comes
To take her crown


Is there a time to run for cover
Is there a time for different colours
Different names you find it hard to spell
Is there a time to believe you can't feel

Here she comes

In a new dress

Here she comes

To go away again

You say that the river
Finds the way to the sea
And like the river
You shall come to me
Beyond the borders
And the thirsty lands
You say that as a river
Like a river...
Love shall come
Love...
And I'm not able to pray anymore
And I cannot hope in love anymore
And I cannot wait for that love anymore)


Is there a time for tying ribbons
A time for Christmas trees
Is there a time for laying tables
And the night is set to freeze

Sham

One thing i realize now.. not a completely new feeling but one that seems to reinforce with time is that i like north india more than the south

it is a strange thing, for it does not mean i dont like people from s.india.. i do. but not d whole lot.. in the sense, most of my best friends are from there. i love my mallu chums, feel at home with them. i like the language.

yet.. bring enough people from that land to have a city or a town and then suddenly i hate it. people are drab and boring and backward !

maybe i like south when it is takn out of the south.. in the sense that people living there get drawn into that culture and i dont feel like i belong there.

anyways..

Camera acitivity

I got a new Lens.. ! a sigma 18-200. apart from being bankrupt and lugging around a heavier camera and a lighter purse i am also going to Amritsar this weekend, the virgin trip for the lens with the Golden Temple and the Wagah border.

i got rid of the older lens in a switch deal.

i hope to be back with new (and hopefully) better photos on flickr.

patience

I think it takes a month for me to get used to a place.. a new city.. office..ppl.. job

and for that time i have days of ultimate low, boredom, excitement, appeal

and suddenly one month is over and tada.. things are different.. that office looks familiar...colleagues become friends. others must be guided by this exact same clock because suddenly the boss s saying lets go for a drink. suddenly random people say hi.. rikshaw guys dont haggle over rates.. i wake up just in time for office.. suddenly there s a shortage of time, more things to do.. work still sucks but there s light down the tunnel, everybody else is cribbing as much as i, and maybe i am having more fun..

anyways last week i was sitting in a place having a drink.. and a friend ordered a peach drink.. it tasted like peach.. and like a girl i knew. it s amazing how memories come back, it s like one sip and bang.. theres a strong memory. it was like i just kissed her again

these days i come back from the office and get to my room.. get some movie or news on tv.. power up d laptop. mix a drink.. then risk checking out what the lady has cooked up for dinner and i usually dont miss on my prediction of it being inedible.. and then much does not change till i fall asleep. maybe a call .. maybe a long chat.. in between it is this trance till some movie gets over.. without me having noticed much of it.. reading bits and pieces of something on the laptop, check out photos etc..

funny thing is i still look forward to coming back here every evening... 9 hrs in d office nd cant wait to get here.. k not here but generally back

i really need to find some new things.. job, friends, a flat-mate

no why not

these day it s bcome a fad i think to get married and change ur profile pics on gmail fb orkt yada yada to cozy paly couple pics.. why do people do this! it is like they cease to become individuals and suddenly become this 'oh we are one' bullshit. we re friends with you right? and we dont really know or care abt the other precious half do we

anyway these days office has become so drab that a cigi break is something to do, a decision i make - and can do without u know.. boss's approval n data availability and ten other unknowns. i wonder if this why people smoke - if it just that it actually gives u something to do. some action. so what if sale didnt happen, so wht if d market went to the dogs.. smoke!

a nice line i heard on TV.. a 'nation of why not'.. i am like that i think. some one asks me 'lets have a cofi',, and i am 'why nt' some one says lets go to amritsar// i m like why not!

why not

yeah why not

D base is Gurgaon

the first weekend after i'v come to Gurgaon that i have actually spend in gurgaon, all i did today and for that matter yesterday was laze arnd reading catch 22, processing pics from my last 2 weekends (which btw were spend shooting those pics in Jaipur, Kasauli, Chandigarh and delhi) and by sitting and reading all the mail i havnt opened since long - yes i'v actually not had decent internet for the last 6-7 mnths. anyways as i was saying i spend a lot of time opening forwards, obviously i forwarded them again to others who would now have something to do on otherwise boring weekends /workdays as the case may be, although some of them ungracious people then told me to stop, one of them even put up a notice on fb calling it spam.. terrible!

ignoring that, there are nice forwards :) there is this one that i found interesting and here it goes..

"If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears
With their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning

... Uphill...

BOTH ways

Yadda, yadda, yadda
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.

You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my
childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!

And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look

it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!!

There was no email!! We had to actually write
somebody a letter, with a pen!

...Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to
steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself!

Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you
were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your Bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video
Games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or
screens, it was just one screen forever!

And you could never win. The game just kept getting
harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only m-net and there was no on screen menu and no remote
control!

You had to use a Little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel and there was no
Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons
on Saturday morni

ng. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK
for cartoons, you spoiled
little rat-bastards!

And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove ... Imagine that!

If we wanted Popcorn, we had to use that stupid Jiffy Pop thing and shake it over the stove forever like an idiot.

That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids
today have got it too easy.
You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980!

Regards,
The over 30 Crowd"

yeah.. nice one no?

it is slightly frightening i am laughing tho i am a long way from 30.. i mean i am a lot younger... y do i find this funny!

i even found a t-shirt in the mall that i found funny.. and it said .. wait i will upload the pic instead..

if u cant read it says.. "I am not your UNCLE, i dont know you, you dont know me, so dont you call me uncle!

...

i must be getting ancient!

chaos..noises in the head

think about the things that bug me.. and suddenly there is nothing else to think.. i m like what happened to all the other things and i cant think of a single other.. everything i do or think about has to do with..yeah.. d bugging things.. claustrophobic!
the world becomes smaller...problems bigger. books, movies, d phone .. distracting.
blog s full of it.. can seem to get away from it.. yeah i live in it, literally.
people die of swine flue or bullshit.. it is all one great chaos.. one noice that really does not make any sense at all. . i even got the spelling of noise wrong .. and stared at it thinking something was wrong. .
okay!.. there are no noises in te head.. no birds singing yet :) just the chaos

choice

choice... where is it? why am i still here.
i need my regular dose of the urban.. people, drinks, lights, music..
i need the energy, motion, change, the lack of time
i want lack of time
the list of things to do.. a pile of things
things to look forward to
so then i choose to do one thing or the other

blog blah blog blah

is time going fast or what! independence day is here and suddenly i m like didnt republic day just go by! where was i around then? gawd. so far i'v always been like let time go slower so i can experience more types when most people around me had exactly opposite views. at work people wanted time to go faster so their annual vacations would come by and they cud return to india... at college people wantd time to go faster so they could get out of the tough regime there.. i never subscribed to that view..
i had hope for better or i kept thinking that those moments were better than what was to come later..
and yeah i did enjoy most of it
till now
now i certainly want time to fly.. it is like this situation sucks and the future picture isn't rosy either. what do you do then? wish time goes fast cause any way it isnt too interesting or worth waiting and noticing?
uncertainty isnt good at all.. not knowing when and what could happen to change life .. and i dont mean life changing out of the world let me hope for nirvana kind of thing.. all i am saying is if you dont know how long you are going to stay in a boring hotel room with questionable bed sheets.. how long you need to pretend you are contributing to work.. how long you report that shit is taking place.. how long do i need to crib and do nothing else about it
if i were to list things i do now that are signs of super boredom
> i buy DVDs of new movies and never get down to watchng them cause it s too much to do
> i walk around the the place aimlessly for hours together
> i drink cola drink cola drink cola
> i am done with all the restaurants arnd here. i am done with flavours of kellogs, i am done with dosa idli vada as food for any time of the day
> i am trying to learn the tamil alphabet
> i eat biscuits.. i hate biscuits!
> i am giving patience a try.. as a general policy



>

a little smoke..

Remember the days when dad used to tell the tailoring shop to leave extra cloth at the waist of the trouser so when you put on a few kilos you could expand it..
remember the days when footwear shops stocked replacement rubber slings for your Hawaii chappals..
days when waiters always brought three glasses to the table with a finger shoved into each holding them together..
a time when footwear was still not a necessity.. when people would walk on the streets barefoot..
i m living this dream in madurai.. a scary dream.. of a world turned back a decade

a city with the contrast turned on high.. the sky is harsh bright and people dark as night.. old men in robin blue ka white, old women topless

perhaps the only city where travel sites rate restaurants by noise levels.. extremely noisy, very noisy and noisy. silence is not an option here

A hundred ways of sayin "Sir"

people in Madurai have discovered and over time mastered the art of expressing miriad emotions through the word sir!

for instance..
the word 'yes' has been nearly forgotten... why with this much btter word... sir. for instance if i ask do you have idli sambar.. the answer is 'saar'
have you finished your sales beat?.. answer is 'saar'

then.. if you were pulling my leg and i was tryin to say hey c'mon right you kid etc.. why say all this wen one word.. 'saaaar'conveys it so beautifully! note the emphasis on the 'a's

if someone was showing you the way and wanted to say "come this way" why try so much.. just geticulate and articulate 'sir'

i cant stand sir anymoore.. people of madurai the next person who says the word sir will get punched in the face by me!

Losing track

Pune to bombay to gurgaon to Bangalore to Chennai to Madurai.. in a week and a half. now 2 months in madurai n the other southern districts for me with this launch project.

waking up in a new place is distracting.. a different bed, different noises.. like this place i stay now in madurai has blocked ventillation and even by 7 in the morning the morning the room is dark.. the first morning it took two mobile phones and a watch to convince me it was actually 7 in the morning. still i wake up every day hoping it is some 2 or 3 in the morning and the alarm just rang early!

and again people are different in all these places.. for instance in gurgaon or delhi the hotel
guys are so nice to start with and slowly but surely sour within a couple of days.. in pune or mumbai they dont give a damn, in madurai they look real nasty to start with but in a few days become so sweet you think something is wrong.

living out of the suitcase has literally become a habit, the last 6-7 years has all been tough on my VIP's and i have run thru 2 of them really big ones.. now i am on my third vip.. this time a strolley heavy enuf that no porter has gone without cursing me.

in 2002 it must have been some wierd time i left my home, i have been literally lugging my bags around ever after..chennai>Kerala>AbuDhabi>Dubai>Oman>AbuDhabi>Kerala>chennai>Kerala>Pune>
Gurgaon>Kurkumb> Pune>Mumbai>Gurgaon>Bangalore>Chennai>madurai..and now god knows where else.

in the last week in Madurai the only words of English i spoke were into the phone.. t is so difficult to speak constantly in this language that i cant think in.. It is difficult to be in a place so devoid of style, romance or sophistication.

people are simple to a fault.. brands, modern clothes and accessories look ridiculous here, a girl in a jeans looks obscene even to me here! there is absolutely no cultural connect with the people here..

was the MBA and the FMCG career a right decision, was the fight for the few FMCG jobs worth it? even a short stint in Madurai makes me think all this!.. i dont want to be in Kerala or Tamil Nadu.. two places that look likely to be my final place of posting..
how can i live in a place that is not inspiring, that does not have a bit of romance in it, that does not imbibe some energy..

cobwebs..

going through some old messages while clearing my phone of old stuff, some of them brought back such vivid memories of when i got or sent them..
like this one in the sent folder.. "i got cargill" .. i remember the day. there was a cricket match and as i came out, india won and i got the job. as i sent this message out i dint know if i sh`ould be happy or relieved
again.. as i go through the messages. .for mushy sms's there s no shortage and some i wonder how i ever wrote them.. or what they really mean
being single again means all those cute messages look wierder with each passing day.
it also means all the simple things that became habits, rituals.. are missing in my life. suddenly i have a lot of time in my hands, much less time on the phone, much less time thinking..
it s fun to be out with friends, drinks and strangers..

Sad..but i gotta go

Pune rocks.. a month here and now i realize i love this place, that there is no other place in india i like more. only a week remains of the month i am to be Pune this time around. So many memories i have of this city, of the people i have met when i was here, 2 years of college.. people who will stay with me all my life, in memory and in person
and now a month here with these new friends of mine, people i have come to like too
i remember the day i came to Pune first, the time i met a girl on the train .. the phone number i took from her promising to call. :) i never did
i remember the first people i met, Goks, Santhosh, African uncle :) neel d iranian and the cafeteria guy. the wierd priyanka rungta who was unfortunately the first person i said 'hi' to in college and who sadly refused to acknowledge me..
i remember the first session in the Audi with Subbu and Mohan
I remember the apprehension rumbling in my stomach as i wondered how i would gel with this crowd for two years, how i would claim my turf
i remember my learning group members, samleen the most for her irrestible energy, Sam, rads goks and kapil too. all the assignments and late night sessions.
i remember the first drinking session at mudra a week into college. how many people started drinking around me!.. goks (how he threw up at mudra that day!).. and today adi and aby
i can never forget sh and the magical days at the start of the second semester. the bad days and the good, the pain that made it forever memorable
summers in bangalore fresh like morning dew on a leaf.. fresh in my memory. days and night that stay unerased in my mind. the iim bangalore campus, the walkway from her room to mine. the trip to coorg and the stolen moments together. the rain and wind, sweet and sublime.
nyways, i can be as poetic as i want to be and as much as my nice mood tonight allows me to be.. already the happiness from a great evening out is coming to an end.. i promise not to edit what i have written here and post it as it is. i am sure tomorrow morning i will not feel this poetic and happy..
today was a boring day at office and so we headed out to ABC farms in KP.. and i had as much fun as i have had in a long time.. whiskey after 2 months off it tasted so nice. the company was attractive and interesting, so were the sexy parsi girls next to us..
the food was amazing, every single dish. there was a game and we stayed up leading till the end and ended up in a three way tie.. and the hotel guys gave us a bucket of beer n vodka.. :) lotsa drinks for tomrw nyte.. yay!
anyway i look at it this was the perfect night to drown the end of my pune stint.

Back in Pune,. hu haa ye yaa

huhaaa! i am back to civilization .. the lights and the tall buildings..how beautiful they are :).
nyways it still takes a moment to realize i am back in this city i love. the young crowd, its slow yet energetic flow. ..i tell you it s cool man
net is still limited to GPRS on my phone(which here is fast enuf for me to connect on to my lappie and browse at nearly acceptable speeds).. unless i go to the cyber cafe's - which is something i am very reluctant to:i'd rather have my net slower than in some smelly dank place

we appreciate the mundane stuff of the cities only when we are forced away from it for some time..so what are the ten best things about cities..
1. lights.. man! how important it is to have some light about! if after 7pm roads become dark and empty i am psyched.. i want people around.. and decent people..which brings me to the seconds point
2. PEOPLE.. cities have educated, good looking and well dressed people to hang out with. and rural india does not!if i am forced to stay in a village, i still need some educated and polished people with me!
3. european closets in the toilet. i cant squat
4. phone and net connectivity..i
5. people can speak english or hindi. tamil or malayalam.
6. FOOD..FOOOOD..how could i have left it down to 6th place... food. i wanut some fine dining once in a while. i want clean restaurants. i want my waiter in full pants. i dont want my waiter digging his nose with his left hand and serve mw with his right. i dont want to search for the meat in the oil...
7. grocery.. i want to buy that particular flavour of lays and want to drink a appy or minute maid as and when i want it
8. stores.. i want them all close by.
9.

One month @ Kurkumb.. all posts uploaded in one bunch...

FIRST WEEK @ KURKUMB

there s this guy at work and over the few days we are stuck together at the Kurkumb factory, something about him seemed familiar.. and that vague familiar feeling had a sense of unpleasentness attached with it, it was like i knew this guy long back and i dint like him then..
i couldnt place him however much i thought but suddenly this monday morning when i was sitting in a bus from Pune to the Kurkumb plant (he was somewhere in the back of the same bus)..it came back to me, he reminded me of the SriLankan from Rivoli -- Yusuf..
This dude has the same voice, he articulates or rather misarticulates the same way - the 'a's are short and o's and e's are extra long.. , the same look of 'i have seen this before' attitude..' he spits all over the place.. and he keeps sayng 'i mean'.. he says "i mean" for his i mean's

and now..i think he even looks a little like yusuf.. amazing. maybe they were separated long back.. long lost brothers and imagine me being the key that re-unites them both!

>>>>>>>>>

there are so many things my subcoscidfence knows and yet i dont..for instance
at 7 in the morning most days my mind wakes me up..and yet as long as i am awake i need to keep checking my watch
or
when i start on a trip or some work.. i feel this drift of how it is going to turn out, but i wait for it to get over and mostly the outcome is as i thought

>>>>>>>>>

END OF WEEK 1

lethargy is such a pain in the arse.. it is like a creeper that grows on trees and gnaws on the very branches tht give it support..
it is such a mental torture to sit and have nothing to do.. where decorum and rules disallow comfort or creativity.. the wait for time to pass.. for the mind to find something to keep it occupied..
yeah as far as tortures go this must be in kintergarden category, but it s a torture still
i endure this torture at Kurkumb.. and i feel i keep getting into situations like this.. rivoli was like this.. home is like this.. college at times.. and now this!


>>>>>>>>

MIDLIFE AT KURKUMB


i was reading this speech by JK Rowling at a Harward university convocation ceremony..
one of her para's i found very interesting.. she was talking about her parents wanting her to join a vocational course for her graduation when she wanted to enrol for a course in classical literature.
here goes

"I would like to make it clear, in parenthesis, that I do not blame my parents for their point of view. There is an expiry date on blaming your parents for steering you in the wrong direction; the moment you are old enough to take the wheel, responsibility lies with you. What is more, I cannot criticise my parents for hoping that I would never experience poverty. They had been poor themselves, and I have since been poor, and I quite agree with them that it is not an ennobling experience. Poverty entails fear, and stress, and sometimes depression; it means a thousand petty humiliations and hardships. Climbing out of poverty by your own efforts, that is indeed something on which to pride yourself, but poverty itself is romanticised only by fools."

bang on the point .. dont you think? for one, poverty is like a sticky gum, and it tends to hold you down, and it's tentacles attempts to hold on to any of its members who tries to get out of its hold.
servitude and poverty i feel go hand in hand. the White tiger (Arvind Adiga) tells a story of how servitude and an inbred attitude of not questioning existing hegemonies makes us so much poorer. poorer not just in a fiduciary sense but poorer in experiences, happines and our creative output.
and in most cases, our parents have been poor in some sense, and they are unquestioning servants of the societial systems that were in place years back. in that sense many of us are held back by shackles that have crumbled ages ago and are just manifestation of the fears of our past generations.

another very interesting line from her speech..
"but some failure in life is inevitable. It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all – in which case, you fail by default."

yet.. i wonder why it is so difficult to try something that could involve failure..so atleast try something where i perceive failure..

still the best line from that article was one she pulled from a greek author Plutarch: What we achieve inwardly will change outer reality.

>>>>>>>>>

SECOND WEEK

lame.. things get so lame, its better to quit. and at times conversation between two people get so lame it becomes a spiral..lame conversations leading to still more lame ones. and when we try to keep up the talk, and when both realize that they try in vain to undo the boredom, it becomes downright painful. still worse when one of them just fails to realize how lame it is.. and happines is when both dont realize it :)

>>>>>

MOUNTING FRUSTRATION.. END OF WEEK 2

i vote the indian closet as the worse invention by an Indian - it is such an indignified way to shit! if some stupid Indin hadnt thought of replacing the hole in the mud with a ceramic hole in a cement floor all buildings would have had the normal plain vanilla closet!
imagine...what a turn off it is to have this. if i saw an amazing apartment and if it had an indian closet it would cease to be amazing any more.. it would be like an amazing looking gurl with a an ultra sweaky voice.
and it s even more disgusting to see some1 sitting on the indian...eeew!.. not that i want to see anyone doing the potty, but lets say by mistake i walk into a girlfriend sitting on the normal closet, it is ok right? but if the same was an indian closet i would say that would be the end of the relationship man!..i wouldnt survive a relationship with that image in mind!

>>>>>>

A PHILOSOPHICAL FINAL WEEK


there are never huge life changing moments, atleast they never appear that way when they occur.. insted life is made up of number of small moments. and it is only with hindsight and reflection that we identify even those moments.
i think i keep waiting for this thunderbolt to hit me before i move my ass..or i wait till i am cornered and have but one choice.even worse.. i know it aint true but i still believe that thunderbolt will hit anytime..could be just round the corner.. and i believe i will do great stuff when it does..! what a load of shit!

It appears the company has planned my next three months.. a month in the Kurkhumb Plant and then another in the Pune office followed by time in Noida and Gaziabad
three months down i might know where i will be for most of the next year or two.
there is another plant in Orissa even that would have been an interesting palce to go..
right now i have three days off and i guess am just goin to c delhi

somebody invent really fast trains....and a lot lot of them

i really like traveling, but to an equal measure i hate planning and booking the tickets, stay, people etc. it sucks, looking at irctc web site which works like an overcrowded old bus,just about working.
and this site gives you the very feeling of living in an overcrowded packed to the rim country.. like there are a hundred trains going all over the place but there ain't a single ticket you can get anywhere. and like everything Indian there's a que and a fight and a rush at godforsaken hours for that tatkal ticket that does not happen. okay so hell yeah the flights are cheap these days (well not really) but then i don't like flights. i want to do the train, i love the train. dirty stinking and late as they are - they have scenery! they have chai and cheap food. i can lie down and read a book! hm i don't have to check in my luggage and hope that bored looking dude remembers to throw it into the same flight - throw yeah luggage becomes throw-things - and my packed to the brim (yeah we Indians like to fill that bag sit on it zip it up till it bulges and leaks) suitcase looks back sentimentally at me as it's shoved down the conveyor by unfriendly luggage of my co passengers.
then the wait at the airport again for the bag to roll back and u know my bag is always the last to arrive on that belt, like t he belt goes around and around and when it's just me and few old men around there it comes slow and peeking around the corner.
then of course in between there is the flight itself which i guess is the least painful, except the bored yet i should serve you with a smile and yeah i know i look good and you can stare if u want look on the air hostesses face as they stand and invite us in (but yeah i am with them..that job of standing and inviting people 5 times a day and doing that same acrobatics of pulling life jackets with a hundred eyes looking at ya ain't fun am sure)

as i look back

looking back at the last few years i realize i am happy. just 6 years back i was disillusnd with life. and maybe hoped to someday get somewhere like where i am now. and perhaps never really believed that i could. confused n lost, i feared a boring, insipid life.
yestday night i realized this. n i thought i better be happy. and that i remember this. hence the blog.

memories @ scmhrd

the memorable moments in these 2 years.. in no particular order..

> when subbu suddenly came up with my name as the person who outperformed during summers. It was a complete shocker.. he said. ."and georgey (in my mind it went like.. uh oh the company has complained abt me!!) has done such a job in madura (i am like... shit no please not in public at least) that he has re-defined retail for madura.. the boss called and he and was very happy with georgey..
i could not decide whether to smile laugh or run from there

> trip to Tapmi manipal. that entire season was beautiful. the best semester in campus. second sem.

> the day someone wanted to leave the campus and go away. it took a heartful n lot of convincing to stop her. i realized somethings about me on that day as well.

> new years night of 2007-08. the rick and the wait for the 2AM bus back to campus. that toxic concoction of emotions.

> Food poisoning in Goa and the following events i would rather forget but yet. first time buddies have taken care of a vomiting fainting me

> Summers in Bangalore, many unforgettable experiences. and one unforgettable person. the trip to nandi hills. the library. and every moment in that beautiful campus.

> Watching the luxury marketing event happen after working non-stop for a month. the feeling was truly worth the effort i put in

> Getting placed.16th Dec, 2008. in the afternoon. I wanted it more than anything else in the world right at that moment. my second GD and second interview. those were moments surreal.

> smoking up in goa (second trip) and subsequently here in the room. the goa falling flat on my face after 4-5 rounds in a carrot chillum on the beach.

> the day i heard of getting into scmhrd. got a message on the train on my way to Manipal. I half knew i wud get scmhrd from the subbu episode at the interview in chenai. Shivram apte took the interview and i had a truly nice one. after that i was waiting outside with clinton filling some form and this ugly lookin big guy talks to me about Montblanc. and then he says "you do a winter project on the market entry strategy of Montblanc in India when u come to scmhrd. @@!"
yaay!

> first day on campus. everybody had a rose.

> passing out. the wait for the job to start. almost there. in three days.

some shit

two years at the bschool have run out, the various stories here have run their course. All that remains are memories, a house of memories that slowly but surely will become empty, then crumble brick by brick till all that will remain are a few stones

i have surely changed in these two years, changed enough to call it worthwhile.
i have seen a few things and understood some things very important
and not many of them have to do with that they taught us here

for instance
> i have learnt that luck plays such a strong hand in any situation. luck or chance, most of what happens is random chance.
> i've seen that timing is so dam important, be it timing your jokes, or telling a story. be it cracking that interview, selling your idea. if you have the intelligence and intuition to time your actions, then you are destined to succeed
> i've seen that people can be perverse to unbelievable extents. i know of a person whose family arranged potential suitor asked for phone sex in a week. money, sex, love, attention - people will do anything for these things.
> i've seen that wanting something bad enough is the only way to have it. half measures rarely work. being slack for a minute means you are lost.
> Having fun and enjoyin what you do is the only way to do it well. involving others in your life, work, secrets, weakneses, ideas, hopes, passion n crushes is a secret to happiness.
> ethics, morals and principles work only til the first time you break them. after tat they are just words. cheat once and the second time it aint cheating any more.
> think through every conversation, plan every presentation, for leaving these things to chance is a recipe for failure.
> only a few things bring happiness: love, sharing, friendship. this is a corny line, cliched, yet for the first time i understand how true it is
> ego is painful. really. every time. and each time i have decided to chuck it, i have been grateful. and happy.

the first time

there was this large party in college this evening and i still dont like a large crowd, of pushing dancing people, people i may not want to dance with. i am not that social a creature.
it s funny 'cause it s fun to, but somewhere i m like.. wht a wasted effort.

i was thinking of the times when i would have excited about a party
so many things that were special
the first time i made money - the first salary
the first time i got into a fight - when i hit a guy - the adrenaline!
the first time i kissed a girl - that special smell that i cant forget
the first time i jumped into deep water for a swim and thought i wud drown - the panic
the first time i flew in a plane - made me feel like i was going somewhere
the first time i got into a accident - the suddenness
the first time i drove a bike - felt so powerful
the first time i fell in love - the happiness
the first time i got completely drunk - i absoultely have no idea now

a few lines

how can i feel nostalgia for somethng i have never known
or how can i have something i left behind

how can i tell if this is for real
when reality yet has not been defined

how can i decide between right and wrong
when all i have seen is my perspective

how can i tell you this is the truth
or that it does not really matter

small talk

every now n then chance takes you to a dinner or lunch where awkwardness hangs like a phyical thing.. like u can almost feel it
i was out for dinner today n it was one of those days wen each person at d table was there because of person who called them out.. n we wouldn't have ever been in that combination otherwise
among dumb jokes n stupid attempts at conversation, a good topic to talk upon were like so welcome,
n if there s one person who u could have a normal conversation with, decency n other people's inquisitiveness spoils any chance of that
boredom n food remain d only company

insomnia..

i m n insomniac once again. it must b a period of the year thing r something.. it happened last year n the year before n if i remember d year before tht also arnd this time(of the year).. maybe some stars come aligned or something like that n changes my life n takes my sleep away..

one place to another

for an evening with d mallu boys in campus that started with a mojito n from there a confused list that ended with cheap macdi icescream soda, the new movie Gulal was like d perfect close. first it s d perfect movie for a midnight show..it will leave your mind full of colourful nonsense n psyched dreams when you finally go to sleep, but hey i liked the movie.
i loved the way the hero..mm, not exactly, damn difficult to point out d lead in a movie like this.. so anyways as i was sayng the sleepwalking student who is like drunk on the the girl n then in the end goes..well leme not spoil ur fun, anyways that ending was least expected and kinda made the movie for me..maybe it Anurag Kashyap thing to show heartburn..the way dumped love gets nearly physically painful. dont know if it s just me or perhaps the movie s actually good

paranoia

this long extended break is coming to an end.. all the four years i worked in Dubai i was looking forward to this break.. i justified almost every sad/bad thing about work and the place by saying.. "there is a definite end in sight".. and now that has come and gone!
when i start work in April it will be after nearly 3 years.. after 3 years on BREAK!

and now this has to be the last 'big vacation' for a long long time .. like for about 35 odd years!

and lots of not-so-happy things staring at me..
1. i am nearly 27... the number looks big even to me now a days.. like shit that is OLD.. for most of my life i was like the youngest guy around.. and it has taken me most of the 2 year MBA to realize i am on the other end of that spectrum now.
2. unexiting pay..cant afford to spend like no tomorrow for .. the foreseeable future :(
3. unknown location of work..i just cant imagine selling oil in lets say Kerala.. even for a year.. or some district in karnataka.. i'll die
4. logic tells me i need to get married in the next 2 years..i'l be touching 30 then!
5. every guy needs a house, car and money to stay up in style.. i always assumed when i needed these things i'd have the cash.. :(
it boils down to this..age puts those breaks on the risks you can take in life, each decision becomes uncomfortably more serious.. okay i was never the flamboyant risk loving dude, yet i wasnt the conservative type either. i scoffed at the relatively risk averse guys n girls.. it could be the super conservative family guy who would think twice before eating out (and i never thought i'd be like that some day) or the guy who would be super careful about investments.. suddenly one day you are 26 or 27 and you think.. there isnt much time now.. if u scew up now. there is little less time left to fix it..investments you have now are important because suddenly in a few years you are going to have a wife..and kids.. (yeah the idea seems so funny now..but it is real:(.. )and it is going to be that much more difficult to have a disposable income..

suddenly the government needs taxes (Dubai never asked for them!), parents need supporting, loans need repayment, life and medical insurances need premiums, that savings account needs some support..

reality strikes.

random wierdness

have you ever looked at a coconut tree sitting or sleeping right under it, or around there somewhere? .. i was, and i was imagining that in a situation if trees were to come alive and move around, the coconut tree would be like the huge alien machine in the movie, "War of the Worlds." it would take tall steps and fire coconuts at people, like the alien machine (which by the way fired deadly lasers in the movie). i counted 6 coconut trees from where i was sitting, if the war started, i would be a slight outnumbered. though there is the problem of each tree just one feet.. hm.. perhaps they would hop around. a tall one legged hopping coconut throwing army
..and so my creative juices flowed.. :) boredom can do some wonderful things to your mind.

false impressions..really

A couple of weeks back, when i was at home in Eraviperur, i read Jeffrey Archer's False Impressions. it was suprisingly sad. as bad as a bad book can be.. illogical, predictable, long and badly written
Jeffrey Archer is popular right? but then how could be write something this bad, i mean if i just decided to write a book, i would probably end up somewhere on the same level of lousy.. but this guy makes millions off his writing!
this is a book that makes you go out and blog on how bad it is, and here i am :) back to bloggerland

da Camera

yes so i got myself a toy. (it is a very nice and complicated toy...and the more complicated - better the toy)
it is a SLR camera from Canon. the 1000D or the Rebel XS. I got the body and the kit 18-55 IS lens
Canon india has a price of Rs. 29995 for the 1000D with a 18-55 non-IS lens. with a 2 year india warranty and a 2GD sandisk SD card.
the gray piece i got has a price of Rs. 25,000 for the Rebel XS (US sold) with a 18-55 IS lens. no India warranty, no SD card.
got a decent bag for 900 and a 2GB Sandisk for 350.
no warranty so i hope it comes up with no manufacturing defects... or any other defect for that matter for the next 100 odd years

the search for the camera started 2 weeks back. the though of buying one started 3 back. the very idea was relatively new as well. even though i am telling everybody hey i always wanted an SLR.
in a sense, i like photography and dabbled with it in my viscom days.. i did some shooting with a film SLR though i came up with atrocious pics then.. a film SLR cant show u the pic till u print it and by that time your scene is long gone.

so Sid in campus had this nice camera so the idea was appealing, then Gaurav got one and it became unfashionable. then Suhasini got one.. and i got to play with it.. man that was interesting indeed
so then again..i wanted an SLR
so read read, read read, ask SID who kept telling me wrong stuff, but good anyways
so read read
and then there were 2 cameras fighting for my money the Nikon d40 and this one
and this won

blog block

it s been too long, blog.. and it feels a little awkward writing again. it s like a person u meet after too long, and you don't know how to react. For instance this schoolmate of mine who came to campus today and called me. You meet someone after 6 odd years and always there s this sense of disappointment. On the phone i guess we felt excitement, and we met and suddenly it was like.. yeah there u are,.. and u know what.. u look and sound like u always did.. did i know you? yeah i guess i did. i must have looked bored after the half hour i was there.. she said..hey u carry on! :)
maybe all meetings are like this, for instance for the past 2 weeks, i was reading up like crazy about the SLR camera i dreamt about buying. i never actually decided to buy it for sure till much later. so reading up was fun. there was this excitement. how would it look, what all new things we would do.. and then i told everybody i wanted to buy one, in a way this was so that i wouldnt chicken out and not buy. so once i went and got that 25k from the ICICI ATM in Aundh and picked up the camera from this small camera shop in Aundh itself after some nasty bargaining and arguing, suddenly it felt like an ending rather than the beginning of a long relation between me and the camera. rather it felt like an ending of the search for my camera. and i lovveed the search..:( now i'l have to fall in love with the camera itself. :)

new heights

Suhasini got placed.. time broadband.. a new media company. with a good profile as business dev mgr..and.......
she s coming to pune...
yestday i trekked up the 800m high sinhagad hill.. :) this week is turning out to be quite something.. :D

there was this Guest Lecture today and the guy who came, the head of a small Austrian firm had a nice point on human nature that i liked.. he said you can categorize people as
1. Input oriented
and 2. Output oriented
these input oriented guys get a lot of air time around us as they tell us how difficult work is, how much work they've put in etc.. andd these output oriented guys actually just talk when they have done some work.
point being, if 2 guys of similar skill etc where to work on a task the input oriented guy is gonna be credited as for the same amt of work, people would have heard him a lot more..
hmm..

christmas cake

i am just back from home, and as always, am a little happy to be. every time i go home, it takes a good few days for me to adjust. the first 3-4 days there i am grumpy; amma brings out the stored love of the last how many ever months, the lack of noise (small town, therefore no traffic or city bustle), the fact that time inevitably slows down, that i always feel full(6 meals a day do that) and to top it all, dad and i are experts at getting on each others nerves.
..a grumpy me complicates life as my parents now wonder why i am grumpy..s they ask probing questions.. and probing questions always makes me grumpy.

i blame small town kerala...
at home there is no internet, no english newspaper (u cant even buy one if u wanted to), there are no 'places' to go, hardly any good restaurants, no friends..u cant even get a decent cigarette..

nevertheless, it is actually good that small town kerala hasn't changed much. life is slow and stable. u could compare life here to roads here - they keep going without sudden turns or intersections, u always have your pot-holes, but no great life threatening ones..
maybe this is why i see a smug complacency about people here. and if u ever ask any of the smug complacent people anything about themselves, you will get a story about some great sadness. so they are smug and complacent about how sad their lives are..!

anyways, perhaps it is because most people and hence everybody else as well are old here..a visit to the church shows a sea of gray. in the part of kerala i live most of the population is christian and a visit to the church (which is the only social acivity arnd here) provides a good sample of the population.

another sad (very sad) thing i notice is that for all the unnikrishnans of the world, women (and girls) in small town kerala are not attractive... they have this smug blank complacent look that is such a turn off. then of course they have bushy hair, hair on their hands, moushtaches,oversupply of moles,terrible sense of style... but i guess these can be cured. but what of the fact that any women over 30 looks more and more like a potatoe.. fat, shapeless and sweaty!
add to this the Kerala christian style of names.. you will find the 'loveley's', 'Moleys' 'shitty's' 'tripsy' 'princy's' and jomols of the world only here.
i guess good malayalees are obliged to suffer the agony of such appalling names.

so a grumpy me in kerala, i look forward to come back.
and this time as motivation to come back.. Suhasini is coming back back, so i can go see her (her placements still remains, that needs to go well).. free time in college is good, i can read and gym, i am planing 2-3 trips, looking forward to some other things as well. as far as trips go.. the plan is like this..
1. a winter trek.. there was some talk of a trek to uttrakhand, a snow covered peak in Himachal.
2. a trip to Rajashtan
3. more interesting than 2.. a roundabout trip.. pune to jhansi..jhansi to lucknow, lucknow to nepal, nepal to gangtok, there to calcutta (sunderbans anyone?) and back
4. march mein a trip to Goa.. ,maybe a large gang of classmates
5. and in between all this small trips to mahabhalleswar, this new beach some poople went to.. (off the radar, great place to smoke up t seems) etc..