and then

Today with both room-mates gone for Diwali, i spent the morning reading. Light hindi music from my old laptop, the dry autumn chill lending an airconditoned feel to the room, it was almost like i was in Dubai again; on one of my 'off' days. just reveling in being able to sleep late, of having an entire day with nothing to do except read, with the promise of being able to go out later in the day with someone. Akash from Jhumpa Lahiri's Unaccustomed Earth filled my mind, nearly like Sam and Isaac, Ruma was Rekha. it is almost like they are in the hall, Jiju would have gone off to work, Its eleven and Rekha would have woken up, perhaps one of the little ones as well. She'd be making tea now. then i would go in there, their home smelling wonderfully of small kids - cornflakes, milk and a tinge of urea. the warmth of those little madmen. with tea in those huge mugs, and like always she'd offer porridge which i would refuse. i would sit and read their al-Kaleej Times and she'd flip through malayalam channels - her activity for most of the day.

Being free on a week-day (one of the problems of being in retaik) meant few others were free in the mornings. this was good in a way. Back here in symbi, hostel life means there s hardly any time where i am alone.

i must be missing home, atleast home food. for in the last week itself i v been to mallu restaurants thrice, ordered enough food to have waiters ask resignedly if it was enough at the end of it. It has definitely been a foody week. food well taken. :)

Diwali Plans

With diwali right around the corner everyone is doing something.. looks like it.

here s a list of what my people are doing..

1. Getting drunk on Red Wine.. "way to go kuti.. but stay OFF the liquor''

2. s - Working her ass off on a dissertation. i should do one too..but i am not ready to work my ass off yet. i should do a dissertation on retail

3. planning trips to Gokarna, Manipal and going i forget where.. and then cribbing about not going home

4. planning ticketless seatless birthless 24 hour train journeys and DOING it. 2 of them actually.

5. loading up on naadan (kerala) food. throwing up. then going back and loading up again. (me included in the eating part) 

6. calling home to order sweets for diwali. 3 kilos of it!!. damn

7. Making Goa plans and not do it. *d culprit s me. the plan was north Goa by bus, lots of feny, bullet and a room

My current plan: Sit in my room and read up fiction and Porter on Strategy!.. smart eh?

animos

there is a strange feeling when others know something about you that you dont know or realise. the bunched eyelids and hushed conversation when u walk past. fingers pointed and smothered smiles. ok, well i exaggerate. though there is none of this, i still get an unpleasant vibe from certain sections of the society here. anyway, they are people i dont particularly like. so it does not matter. 

still it is interesting how antennas fly up when there s some animosity in the air, i need to get used to this shit.

Random.......

a child who grows up takin apart evrything learns to fix everything as he grows up. 

i was he.

i wish i could be him.

Hmm....random random

when i say i want to be alone, i lie

for i just want more of you

when i say i am good, i lie

for it is just emptynes in me

when i say the sun shines, i lie

for it is only darkness i see

small wierd things that freak me out

1. In the evening twilight, loud happy music played at a distance so i can just about hear it. gives me such a sense of loneliness; of loss; brings up memories that arent bad in any sense, but just this intangible forlorn feeling. 

makes we want to be alone, rather, it leaves me without the strength to face anything, anybody. 

2. Fear of being left behind. in a literal sense. guess i would do anything, stoop to any levels, not to be left behind.

3. being ridiculed in public. wow. cant take it. 

i have this rather dumb feeling, in other words, i feel very much like an idiot. dont know for what reason. the blues are here to stay i guess. like the economy i get the feeling i need a war, famine, fascism to get out of this.

it is exams. i dont want it to be exams

no i dont want it to be exams

i absolutely dont want it to be exams

right now i want to be alone

i am going for a walk

ok?

Once upon

Once upon a time when the sun was young

i was a speck of dust on an asteroids end

once upon a time on a chimpanzee's tail

I was a tiny little bug

Once upon a time when Noah was still floating

I was a worm that ate another

Once upon a time when the Pharoah was dead

there was just me at the bottom of a pyramid

Once upon a time when the sky was blue

i was a raindrop falling from the cloud

Once upon a time when yesterday was young

it was not so long back we kissed

once upon a time when the trees still stood

we walked around and watched the birds fly

once upon a time when the day is still not born

i walk an unknown road 

want more

why is there this constant need to change, to experience something new

new music, new news, new movies new gf new this new that

i fear barring a few, i would ideally like new people as well

perhaps i am a hopeless optimist

forever believing that the future is better, that the next time it is definitely going to be better, and even that this is better than the last.. (and while it lasts, secretly laughin thinking, "hey.... you dont know, but the my next one is going to be better)

for as long as i can remember i have never wanted time to go faster, at times i have willed it to be slower, forever believing that the moment i lived in was so much better than the ones i hav ever had before, better than i deserve, than i should expect it to be

call it whatever you may, misplaced modesty..nonsense

add to this the blind faith that tomorrow is going to be this bright great day

.

and why is there this need to be loved. what strange insecurities we have!

this is perhaps just love for myself. in a different costume. let me try in this 'single' time to fend off this need

I sometimes think several of us despise the past, give it very little thought. past is passe for me. 

it is so difficult to remember what people were like, their little nuances, the way someone walked, someones eyes, smells, way they felt

i think i dont like the way i was in the past, and this statement is dynamic,.. i dont like me in the last second. . :P

i have hardly had friends from the past meeting friends of the future, the situation has sucked every time. it is just not the same me they have each seen. 

me now is not the same as me a minute later, ok.. i exaggerate, but overall we all change so much. so so much. i have read, visiting parents years after moving out is one of the most stressing times for many, the sheer memories these visits evoke freaks some out. parents knew you last when u were in school or maybe college. not blaming them or antyhing but they have no clue who you are. and then you go there with a date or wife or whoever, and suddenly it is a whole different you!

but then there are these few people you come by once in a while, those rare creatiures who somehow just know you.. i know some like this..i will cherish them..it d be nice to fill up my life with people like this.. and i love them all to one extent or nther.

hm.. thoughts

somethings just isn’t good for you
how much ever you justify the use

the lethargy is palpable, the stillness can almost be touched. You could feel it. It is inside my head. i am it.
Hope and misery. Aren’t they just so intertwined?



I had a reason to forget, not to remember. Why did it come back. Just wishful thinking that it wouldn’t haunt me.
Yesterday I went on a walk, a long walk. I found that different world maybe a kilometer from the campus. I knew it was there, it is a cure for all problems. The potholed dusty road from the big circle at tamanna, that leads into the hills to get lost in the greenery. It is a different world out there. Within an hour I passed the buildings, event the shanty cow sheds, muddy tea stalls and single old man with one naked incandescent bulb grocery shop. It is a page out of a novel, it is exactly the place where you’d go to clear your thoughts. It had workers with Nehru caps walking back, with their axes and ploughs propped on sweaty shoulders. Linen Dhotis and Chinese t shirts, covered in dirt, holes and sweat of genuine labor. There were birds, crows and others flying back home. Mostly in pairs, wing to wing against the darkening skies. single trees stood guard over waist high grass on both sides of the road, hills covered in mist completed the scene. Almost too perfect, yet it was there, for all to see. No, it was only me who saw it. Atleast this way.
As the sun set, I realized it was going to be real dark, except for headlights of heavy vehicles that broke the monotony of silence. Silence outside my head i.e. the ipod is a perfect companion here.
And soon enough it was completely dark, so dark I was a scared enough to stop and walk back. I imagined how it would be if I fell into a ditch or someone killed or some truck ran me over. As if I needed any more stimulus to clear my mind, a pack of three-four dogs turned up. They dint seem very happy to see me, atleast from the fact that barking and running in front of me to stand ground and bark activity. It took all my thoughts focused somewhere just about my throat to keep the heart from jumping right out. Somehow I kept walking, biting on the temptation to stop as well as the one to run. Soon enough they lost interest, and in their cacophonous company I reached civilization back sooner than I thought. With all thoughts scrubbred away I took another deviation so I could walk some more. A long road that finally ended up on the ring road that led to mezzanine. Right then guys called up saying lets go to idlecious, great. Couldn’t have been more perfect.



anyway. so we organized this big event on luxury in college, and it went well. now that's over, and gone.
it is like rain, when it rains it pours, its wet and quite miserable, yet once it s gone, you miss it
it is like a problem child, when he s around, he makes life tough, yet once he s gone, the silence is unbearable.
It is also like a nice meal, with great food. once you are full, you are too lethargic to clean those dammed plates.
Why does fucked up thought come at the most fucked up time.