Things that keep me sane

Just as an afterthought, i was wondering what keeps me from losing it
in no particular order
> Work - Club work, gives me a sense of leadership, and tangible productivity
> Classes - the current rarity of it gives it a decent sheen. Yeah it reminds me this is a sweet time, a time i shouldnt feel guity to chill
> Blogging - For that cant be said
> Friends - yes least for the sense of belonging
> Books and reading - for that sense of being in touch with the world, a world larger than the four walls
> Calls: valuable
> Food: with sex is something that never loses its attractiveness. atleast not yet.
> Sex: Well.
> Smokes: Hm, hopefully will remain something i enjoy, and not something i crave. nicotine is a smart one, for he makes line separating the two real slim
> Drinks: It sometimes takes a few to calm. like food, it is a requirement of life. :)
> Movies et al: Hm, insanity packaged. Keeps the real thing at bay.
> Rest of life: Cant think of any more.

insanity calls

I Wonder if insanity would knock before it comes? kind of ring a bell and announce - "hey, here i am, and now you are insane". Wonder what is worse, being insane or not knowing that you are insane. Yeah, how would you know you are insane, for you ARE, INSANE!
i have this rather insane fear that i am going insane, perhaps this is one of my worser fears, of losing touch with reality. Of a world that finds you wierd but you somehow failing to notice. So i keep running this reality check, something that makes me rather always a little uncomfortable in most situations, however most comfortable that situation may be.

There are people with whom i feel comfortable, natural, real..with little insanity There is one with whom i feel none, with her i perhaps do not need to be sane. no expectations of a pretense nor is there a need for an act. i found comfort there. will there be another like.

Insanity is perhaps a measure of the drive to perform, and is nothing but the detachment from yourself to put up a show for others, to star in the act this life is.
There are some with whom there is this heightened fear of it. There are some, who revel in their own insanity. There are some who draw it out.
Perhaps being in a competitive world, there are just a few who manage to retain their sanity, there is a peace and happiness in the eyes of these few. They are who they are, really. they dont change with the situation, they dont need to justify their act, they keep their word. I just love people like this. Wow, to be sane!

Yet, what is life without a tinge of insanity, for a little insanity is a dose of fun, like a pinch of dope. Insanity is both the disease, its visible symptoms and also a cure. Insanity is what keeps me alive. Insane i never want to be.

To the brink

sense does prevail, though not always and not for ever. they have stopped blocking blogs, well that is a little less of nonsense. hm. just when the firewall became so unbearable so as to make internet useless, we find the tors and ultrasurfs of the world..
gets me thinking, how things get to a brink but almost never falls off beyond that imperceptible brink; or is it the brink that is ever stretching. am i tempting fate, or am i saying that i want it once, maybe once just once fall over that edge of the world.., but yeah the world ain't a cube.
i have never been in a situation where there wasn't a way out, been never in front of a car that dint brake in time..never been so drunk i fell unconscious on the road, never been shot, hit or killed, never found a fatal disease.. is it the watchful father above, is it fate, luck, or just ain't my day of judgment yet.
is it just that i assume the worst, believe the unbelievable, think of what i shouldnt. god forbid i start believing i will never face a wall, defeat, loss and pain. i will. i have. maybe i just forget.

Etc .. Etc

there are days when i feel dumb
when most things dont make sense
all i want to do is eat, watch a video or sleep, no amount to these ever satiate the hunger
and i feel is remorse at time wasted, oh yeah, i cant enjoy a moment without paying it a silent tribute
but of late i have a pregnant feeling of dumbness, monotonous dumbness
that has overstayed it unwelcomnes.
as if my mood spirals down and yet finding new levels of normality, planes where i have always been, no real way to say i am in a spiral. It must be one of those trick pictures with the ever-flowing water and never ending steps.
there is so much to do in the coming weeks, that it all cant possibly be done, yet i cant get started. the moles look so much like mountains, how am i to move them?
there is so much inertia, that no amount of me can break over
so i dabble in the random, that even i cannot predict me.
oh yeah, i think i am ready for something new.
let the old worry about itself. let fires burn down, embers die away.
Let the winds blow the rainclouds away.

Etc .. Etc

Slanting Rain

drops rain from the sky
monotnonous and without a break
the moonlight fails to breaks the darkness
wet puddles on the tarmac,
drops shine like little diamonds, as
footsteps breaks their calm surface
the rain is relentless,
darkness impermiable
smoke swirls out from the cigarette
it could well be
a gangster movie

Another hole in the wall

There are times when you can read another like a book. almost as if thought develops simultaneously in two minds, and it is a thought that one should know and the other, in the normal spread of things wouldnt know until it was told by the first. Dont know what to call this, yet, this makes it real uncomfortable to pretend, to respond normally, to act surprised if the situation demands.

Thoughts..

You are the sunshine
That wakes me up in the morning
You are the rain
That washes my frown away
You are a thought
That makes me smile
You are a fragrance
That is feminineness defined
You are a touch
You are a sound
You are a part
Of my mind, of me.

Ma new girlfriend

my new wife, bedfellow and lover
hmm. no masala here, it s just work!
no i am not working to forget, rather work is making me forget
so this new one is nice, she s there wheneever i want her
24 hours a day when i seek her
she looks different, sometimes looks like a lappie and otherwise a meeting
the prof, the diro or the team
it s been a while since someone has made me think
of nothing but her for hours on end
the more i spend on her, the more she wants
na, she aint satisfied that easy
i aint gonna be able to leave her
till september middle when she come out
hopefully in all her glory

i would normally never accept it, but since this is what cant be said
i say, i am a sentimentalist
i am foolish romantic
i am childishly fantastical in my fantasies
i am in a limbo now
going nowhere
i have been ere for years
i dont know if i want to be more serious, that is perhaps a bad idea for i am numbingly so
should i be more humorous, alas humor is not for all, and i have told i have a sad sense of it
i could be more light, yeah. light.
light, therefore i should drink more, dance more, get merry more
do everything that i am not stopped from doing
but who stops me but myself huh
what do i do about the sentimentalism part
or the romantic part
why dont i just be!
shit this random thought of nonsense