Without remorse

It is easy to lie to myself. blindly and repeatedly till i believe the lie, till lines of distinction between the two are no longer discernable. till that last little prick of conscience fades from recognition
i never realized that the hardest thing was to be completely honest with mysellf. and to have the capacity to see what things really are.
once this part is done i see it is fairly easy to be honest with everybody else, easier to lie too. but then again the lines will fade if i am not careful.
this forces me to realize small lies i see in others, in others i like. lies i am willing to accept, to forgive, because those faded lines i see there are so familiar. yet, do i call them out. do i not. what when another lie comes my way.
i hope those lies is only to me. and not to their own heart.

what do i do with those lies that are important to others. lies that are deep, lies that may have been truths once. do i call them out. do i not. is it worse now that i realise they were lies anyway. simple lies that will need more lies to make them stay.

i want to be a painter

i want to be a painter 

to be able to remember the beauty i see in everyhtin

and capture it

and then hang it on wall for everyone to see

hmm. ha

i am excited when a new work presents itself, but i am too lazy to do it. it could be anything, like reading fiction. i enjoy it, but the effort of taking and reading it is... hm.. too much? but then some reason presents itself to instigate me to turn pages fast, like some one who asks how the book is and i am embarrassed by the fact i am yet to reach anywhere. i am then happy to have this simple pressure to read, of looking forward to telling them i am done. my motivation therefore is entirely dependent on others giving me the right nudges here and there. 

an idea from Mohsin Hamids Moth Smoke.

a disease is what grows where/when it shoudlnt. it gets bad when you can stop it and yet you do nothing about it, letting the lethargy it lends cover you in excuse, a cushion to the fall.

, like a moth drawn to a flame, circling its love the flame, till the flame consumes it. one flight too close to the flame, and ends up dead.

like two lovers, each a moth drawn to the other, love that was never to be, love doomed from the start, just to burn a wing here a wing there. the lover the flame the doom. 

Things i sometimes remember and laugh about

1. once i and old buddies from school had gone for dinner. on the way back we were driving back by the then newly opened Shoppers Stop in Harrington road, chennai. sitting in the back seat of the car, for no reason, i yelped 'hai, shoppee Day'. it was completely reflexive. to this day i hve no idea why i said it or why we all still are reduced to pulp laughing abt it.
2. one time i was kissing a girl, and i got bored kissing her. ten seconds can be a long time, and eh.. my mind wanders fast.
i remember thinking what i could do to pass the next minute or so..trying different angles..and then starting to laugh hysterically
3. the time a friend farted in the car, again there were 3 of us, hot day and the AC was on. it was the WORST possible fart a human could have produced. it s a wonder the driver dint crash the car.
4. i had a scooterrete for sometime, it was a piece of junk that could hardly move with two people on. yet, i once convinced a friend it was a test of his manhood to prove that he could race against this with his HeroHondo CBZ. hehehe.. we got an audience, we got someone to blow the whistle and i didnt even move. all we remember was rolling around and laughing as he literally flew with throttle on full.. he never really forgave me for that

5. there was this time when i was in this room with some1 i wasnt supposed to be. and then some1 knocks. i had the most hilarious time with that person under my bed. 

marketscape

one of my friends recently had a relationship turn sour on her, and with the markets tumbling all around, i was thinking that the two are really quite similar; investing in the stock market and being in a relationship - the love type.

in both cases people speculate. both are led my sentiments and both dont make much sense. 

you invest some, and the market climbs, it s all excitement, just like in a relationship, those wonderful initial months of mutual discovery, days when time just flies. both displaying the best of each to the other. so when the market soars it is plain good, just keep investing more of your chips hoping and in reality just speculating that it s going to be up all the way. just like in the stock market where technical analyst will tell you what tommorow is going to be like, what the underlying fundementals tell ya; comments of how 'compatible' you and him/her is.. how god has made one for the other, neither god or the technical analyst can tell you a minute before a soaring relationship goes sour. seasonality. analyse any market data and you see a definite seasonality, ups and downs. even the rationalist who thinks only with the head and not with d heart cant tell you why there is a dip. but they say a dip is good. a correction. this is nothing but the "give it some time"..or "why dont you take a break" thing. and when things sour a bit, there are those who take their chips and run, there are those who stay invested, and there are those who put more of themselves, those who put everything they have.

when the market hits rock bottom, there is one who is still holding on.. holding on to a script that is not worth anything, that does not have the magic power to make him/her happy or rich as the case may be. 

and 

like in the stock market where they advice you to never put all your eggs into one basket.. advice critical in the relationship market :P. diversification is the key word.

but

sound advice is always to play for the long innings, to be the trenched player..

but then i dont have all the answers.. bankrupted as i am in the stock market.. i shouldnt be the one to be giving advices. :)

Maybe i feel like them

She wished only that she could go back and change things: the ungainly things she had worn, the insecurity she'd felt, all the innocent mistakes she'd made

- Sudha in "Only Goodness" by Jhumpa Lahiri

At first, when we truly love someone, our greatest fear is that the loved one will stop loving us. What we should fear and dread, of course, is that we won't stop loving the, even after they are dead and gone.

- Shantaram, Gregory David Roberts

i had friends but i always felt alone. 

Jim Carrey in "23"