the first time

there was this large party in college this evening and i still dont like a large crowd, of pushing dancing people, people i may not want to dance with. i am not that social a creature.
it s funny 'cause it s fun to, but somewhere i m like.. wht a wasted effort.

i was thinking of the times when i would have excited about a party
so many things that were special
the first time i made money - the first salary
the first time i got into a fight - when i hit a guy - the adrenaline!
the first time i kissed a girl - that special smell that i cant forget
the first time i jumped into deep water for a swim and thought i wud drown - the panic
the first time i flew in a plane - made me feel like i was going somewhere
the first time i got into a accident - the suddenness
the first time i drove a bike - felt so powerful
the first time i fell in love - the happiness
the first time i got completely drunk - i absoultely have no idea now

a few lines

how can i feel nostalgia for somethng i have never known
or how can i have something i left behind

how can i tell if this is for real
when reality yet has not been defined

how can i decide between right and wrong
when all i have seen is my perspective

how can i tell you this is the truth
or that it does not really matter

small talk

every now n then chance takes you to a dinner or lunch where awkwardness hangs like a phyical thing.. like u can almost feel it
i was out for dinner today n it was one of those days wen each person at d table was there because of person who called them out.. n we wouldn't have ever been in that combination otherwise
among dumb jokes n stupid attempts at conversation, a good topic to talk upon were like so welcome,
n if there s one person who u could have a normal conversation with, decency n other people's inquisitiveness spoils any chance of that
boredom n food remain d only company

insomnia..

i m n insomniac once again. it must b a period of the year thing r something.. it happened last year n the year before n if i remember d year before tht also arnd this time(of the year).. maybe some stars come aligned or something like that n changes my life n takes my sleep away..

one place to another

for an evening with d mallu boys in campus that started with a mojito n from there a confused list that ended with cheap macdi icescream soda, the new movie Gulal was like d perfect close. first it s d perfect movie for a midnight show..it will leave your mind full of colourful nonsense n psyched dreams when you finally go to sleep, but hey i liked the movie.
i loved the way the hero..mm, not exactly, damn difficult to point out d lead in a movie like this.. so anyways as i was sayng the sleepwalking student who is like drunk on the the girl n then in the end goes..well leme not spoil ur fun, anyways that ending was least expected and kinda made the movie for me..maybe it Anurag Kashyap thing to show heartburn..the way dumped love gets nearly physically painful. dont know if it s just me or perhaps the movie s actually good

paranoia

this long extended break is coming to an end.. all the four years i worked in Dubai i was looking forward to this break.. i justified almost every sad/bad thing about work and the place by saying.. "there is a definite end in sight".. and now that has come and gone!
when i start work in April it will be after nearly 3 years.. after 3 years on BREAK!

and now this has to be the last 'big vacation' for a long long time .. like for about 35 odd years!

and lots of not-so-happy things staring at me..
1. i am nearly 27... the number looks big even to me now a days.. like shit that is OLD.. for most of my life i was like the youngest guy around.. and it has taken me most of the 2 year MBA to realize i am on the other end of that spectrum now.
2. unexiting pay..cant afford to spend like no tomorrow for .. the foreseeable future :(
3. unknown location of work..i just cant imagine selling oil in lets say Kerala.. even for a year.. or some district in karnataka.. i'll die
4. logic tells me i need to get married in the next 2 years..i'l be touching 30 then!
5. every guy needs a house, car and money to stay up in style.. i always assumed when i needed these things i'd have the cash.. :(
it boils down to this..age puts those breaks on the risks you can take in life, each decision becomes uncomfortably more serious.. okay i was never the flamboyant risk loving dude, yet i wasnt the conservative type either. i scoffed at the relatively risk averse guys n girls.. it could be the super conservative family guy who would think twice before eating out (and i never thought i'd be like that some day) or the guy who would be super careful about investments.. suddenly one day you are 26 or 27 and you think.. there isnt much time now.. if u scew up now. there is little less time left to fix it..investments you have now are important because suddenly in a few years you are going to have a wife..and kids.. (yeah the idea seems so funny now..but it is real:(.. )and it is going to be that much more difficult to have a disposable income..

suddenly the government needs taxes (Dubai never asked for them!), parents need supporting, loans need repayment, life and medical insurances need premiums, that savings account needs some support..

reality strikes.

random wierdness

have you ever looked at a coconut tree sitting or sleeping right under it, or around there somewhere? .. i was, and i was imagining that in a situation if trees were to come alive and move around, the coconut tree would be like the huge alien machine in the movie, "War of the Worlds." it would take tall steps and fire coconuts at people, like the alien machine (which by the way fired deadly lasers in the movie). i counted 6 coconut trees from where i was sitting, if the war started, i would be a slight outnumbered. though there is the problem of each tree just one feet.. hm.. perhaps they would hop around. a tall one legged hopping coconut throwing army
..and so my creative juices flowed.. :) boredom can do some wonderful things to your mind.

false impressions..really

A couple of weeks back, when i was at home in Eraviperur, i read Jeffrey Archer's False Impressions. it was suprisingly sad. as bad as a bad book can be.. illogical, predictable, long and badly written
Jeffrey Archer is popular right? but then how could be write something this bad, i mean if i just decided to write a book, i would probably end up somewhere on the same level of lousy.. but this guy makes millions off his writing!
this is a book that makes you go out and blog on how bad it is, and here i am :) back to bloggerland