Mind

I dont truly feel things like i used to.. the way happiness or sadness was all emcompassing long back.. feelings used to had a live connection to the head..or heart(whatever it is we feel with).. that has been cut now. now things are filtered.. almost like the sensitivity dial has been turned down.. maybe like the aperture of a camera..you just roll it up to reduce what comes in..what is recorded.
perhaps it is that the first time you do something it creates a new circuit..all fresh and sharp in flavour.. then the second time it is a little less so..third time it is almost bland.
for instance.. the sights and sounds of this beatiful place i live in no longer holds any appeal to me..execpt when i go with someone who is new here..then i too can feel a little of the wonder the other person feels.
maybe it is like how a kid is all ticklish..super sensitive..
i know someone grown up who is like that.. super sensitive..to touch..to ideas..to emotions.. maybe it is nice to be like that. even when you have grown up. or maybe it is not so nice because then you have to be on your guard all the time.. having to hide behind walls and barriers..

anchor

what is a frame of reference when everything around you change. When you are hit with a everything from a new job to new geography, when friends, food, home, furniture.. everything familiar changes, is it possible not to change a little yourself. to lose some of that personality that you find in your familiar surroundings. How do you, or to what do you anchor yourself so that in a months time you forget how much you have changed..

Sham

One thing i realize now.. not a completely new feeling but one that seems to reinforce with time is that i like north india more than the south

it is a strange thing, for it does not mean i dont like people from s.india.. i do. but not d whole lot.. in the sense, most of my best friends are from there. i love my mallu chums, feel at home with them. i like the language.

yet.. bring enough people from that land to have a city or a town and then suddenly i hate it. people are drab and boring and backward !

maybe i like south when it is takn out of the south.. in the sense that people living there get drawn into that culture and i dont feel like i belong there.

anyways..

patience

I think it takes a month for me to get used to a place.. a new city.. office..ppl.. job

and for that time i have days of ultimate low, boredom, excitement, appeal

and suddenly one month is over and tada.. things are different.. that office looks familiar...colleagues become friends. others must be guided by this exact same clock because suddenly the boss s saying lets go for a drink. suddenly random people say hi.. rikshaw guys dont haggle over rates.. i wake up just in time for office.. suddenly there s a shortage of time, more things to do.. work still sucks but there s light down the tunnel, everybody else is cribbing as much as i, and maybe i am having more fun..

anyways last week i was sitting in a place having a drink.. and a friend ordered a peach drink.. it tasted like peach.. and like a girl i knew. it s amazing how memories come back, it s like one sip and bang.. theres a strong memory. it was like i just kissed her again

some shit

two years at the bschool have run out, the various stories here have run their course. All that remains are memories, a house of memories that slowly but surely will become empty, then crumble brick by brick till all that will remain are a few stones

i have surely changed in these two years, changed enough to call it worthwhile.
i have seen a few things and understood some things very important
and not many of them have to do with that they taught us here

for instance
> i have learnt that luck plays such a strong hand in any situation. luck or chance, most of what happens is random chance.
> i've seen that timing is so dam important, be it timing your jokes, or telling a story. be it cracking that interview, selling your idea. if you have the intelligence and intuition to time your actions, then you are destined to succeed
> i've seen that people can be perverse to unbelievable extents. i know of a person whose family arranged potential suitor asked for phone sex in a week. money, sex, love, attention - people will do anything for these things.
> i've seen that wanting something bad enough is the only way to have it. half measures rarely work. being slack for a minute means you are lost.
> Having fun and enjoyin what you do is the only way to do it well. involving others in your life, work, secrets, weakneses, ideas, hopes, passion n crushes is a secret to happiness.
> ethics, morals and principles work only til the first time you break them. after tat they are just words. cheat once and the second time it aint cheating any more.
> think through every conversation, plan every presentation, for leaving these things to chance is a recipe for failure.
> only a few things bring happiness: love, sharing, friendship. this is a corny line, cliched, yet for the first time i understand how true it is
> ego is painful. really. every time. and each time i have decided to chuck it, i have been grateful. and happy.

the first time

there was this large party in college this evening and i still dont like a large crowd, of pushing dancing people, people i may not want to dance with. i am not that social a creature.
it s funny 'cause it s fun to, but somewhere i m like.. wht a wasted effort.

i was thinking of the times when i would have excited about a party
so many things that were special
the first time i made money - the first salary
the first time i got into a fight - when i hit a guy - the adrenaline!
the first time i kissed a girl - that special smell that i cant forget
the first time i jumped into deep water for a swim and thought i wud drown - the panic
the first time i flew in a plane - made me feel like i was going somewhere
the first time i got into a accident - the suddenness
the first time i drove a bike - felt so powerful
the first time i fell in love - the happiness
the first time i got completely drunk - i absoultely have no idea now

a few lines

how can i feel nostalgia for somethng i have never known
or how can i have something i left behind

how can i tell if this is for real
when reality yet has not been defined

how can i decide between right and wrong
when all i have seen is my perspective

how can i tell you this is the truth
or that it does not really matter

paranoia

this long extended break is coming to an end.. all the four years i worked in Dubai i was looking forward to this break.. i justified almost every sad/bad thing about work and the place by saying.. "there is a definite end in sight".. and now that has come and gone!
when i start work in April it will be after nearly 3 years.. after 3 years on BREAK!

and now this has to be the last 'big vacation' for a long long time .. like for about 35 odd years!

and lots of not-so-happy things staring at me..
1. i am nearly 27... the number looks big even to me now a days.. like shit that is OLD.. for most of my life i was like the youngest guy around.. and it has taken me most of the 2 year MBA to realize i am on the other end of that spectrum now.
2. unexiting pay..cant afford to spend like no tomorrow for .. the foreseeable future :(
3. unknown location of work..i just cant imagine selling oil in lets say Kerala.. even for a year.. or some district in karnataka.. i'll die
4. logic tells me i need to get married in the next 2 years..i'l be touching 30 then!
5. every guy needs a house, car and money to stay up in style.. i always assumed when i needed these things i'd have the cash.. :(
it boils down to this..age puts those breaks on the risks you can take in life, each decision becomes uncomfortably more serious.. okay i was never the flamboyant risk loving dude, yet i wasnt the conservative type either. i scoffed at the relatively risk averse guys n girls.. it could be the super conservative family guy who would think twice before eating out (and i never thought i'd be like that some day) or the guy who would be super careful about investments.. suddenly one day you are 26 or 27 and you think.. there isnt much time now.. if u scew up now. there is little less time left to fix it..investments you have now are important because suddenly in a few years you are going to have a wife..and kids.. (yeah the idea seems so funny now..but it is real:(.. )and it is going to be that much more difficult to have a disposable income..

suddenly the government needs taxes (Dubai never asked for them!), parents need supporting, loans need repayment, life and medical insurances need premiums, that savings account needs some support..

reality strikes.