a quick blog on how to be sad..saD..sAD..SAD

self doubt, screwed up as it is, is a bastard who bites where and when it hurts most. with a one dimensional thought pattern these days, it is difficult to focus on anything, and as it becomes more difficult to justify faith, bitter thoughts of a return to the past haunts, like a difficult ghost. with this last loss, i give up on any demands whatsoever. when people say 'u will get something', i wonder what do they know that they say it. what do they know of the panic i feel. negativity is infinite and freely flows to fill big holes of doubt and fear.
God! how hard is it to even think of anything apart from this process, to work up an appetite for fun, an appetite to do something creative. how hard is it to express love or happines, to forget this stress for a moment.

will there be a day when i look at this post and laugh at it, or will stare at it infinitely hoping for something better. 

i feel like revolting, the gut instict to turn back and fight when cornered, but who do i fight, who do i aggress. for there isnt an enemy. i go to the gym, and sweat with the weights, that i guess is the only way to push. this isnt a fight to death, but a slow burning fuse. i am bitter, angry and always on the verge. with the lowest patience for irritation. This isnt healthy. i cant make myself say this isnt called for. wish i knew. wish i could say i hope this isnt called for.