Maybe i feel like them

She wished only that she could go back and change things: the ungainly things she had worn, the insecurity she'd felt, all the innocent mistakes she'd made

- Sudha in "Only Goodness" by Jhumpa Lahiri

At first, when we truly love someone, our greatest fear is that the loved one will stop loving us. What we should fear and dread, of course, is that we won't stop loving the, even after they are dead and gone.

- Shantaram, Gregory David Roberts

i had friends but i always felt alone. 

Jim Carrey in "23"

and then

Today with both room-mates gone for Diwali, i spent the morning reading. Light hindi music from my old laptop, the dry autumn chill lending an airconditoned feel to the room, it was almost like i was in Dubai again; on one of my 'off' days. just reveling in being able to sleep late, of having an entire day with nothing to do except read, with the promise of being able to go out later in the day with someone. Akash from Jhumpa Lahiri's Unaccustomed Earth filled my mind, nearly like Sam and Isaac, Ruma was Rekha. it is almost like they are in the hall, Jiju would have gone off to work, Its eleven and Rekha would have woken up, perhaps one of the little ones as well. She'd be making tea now. then i would go in there, their home smelling wonderfully of small kids - cornflakes, milk and a tinge of urea. the warmth of those little madmen. with tea in those huge mugs, and like always she'd offer porridge which i would refuse. i would sit and read their al-Kaleej Times and she'd flip through malayalam channels - her activity for most of the day.

Being free on a week-day (one of the problems of being in retaik) meant few others were free in the mornings. this was good in a way. Back here in symbi, hostel life means there s hardly any time where i am alone.

i must be missing home, atleast home food. for in the last week itself i v been to mallu restaurants thrice, ordered enough food to have waiters ask resignedly if it was enough at the end of it. It has definitely been a foody week. food well taken. :)

Diwali Plans

With diwali right around the corner everyone is doing something.. looks like it.

here s a list of what my people are doing..

1. Getting drunk on Red Wine.. "way to go kuti.. but stay OFF the liquor''

2. s - Working her ass off on a dissertation. i should do one too..but i am not ready to work my ass off yet. i should do a dissertation on retail

3. planning trips to Gokarna, Manipal and going i forget where.. and then cribbing about not going home

4. planning ticketless seatless birthless 24 hour train journeys and DOING it. 2 of them actually.

5. loading up on naadan (kerala) food. throwing up. then going back and loading up again. (me included in the eating part) 

6. calling home to order sweets for diwali. 3 kilos of it!!. damn

7. Making Goa plans and not do it. *d culprit s me. the plan was north Goa by bus, lots of feny, bullet and a room

My current plan: Sit in my room and read up fiction and Porter on Strategy!.. smart eh?

animos

there is a strange feeling when others know something about you that you dont know or realise. the bunched eyelids and hushed conversation when u walk past. fingers pointed and smothered smiles. ok, well i exaggerate. though there is none of this, i still get an unpleasant vibe from certain sections of the society here. anyway, they are people i dont particularly like. so it does not matter. 

still it is interesting how antennas fly up when there s some animosity in the air, i need to get used to this shit.

Random.......

a child who grows up takin apart evrything learns to fix everything as he grows up. 

i was he.

i wish i could be him.

Hmm....random random

when i say i want to be alone, i lie

for i just want more of you

when i say i am good, i lie

for it is just emptynes in me

when i say the sun shines, i lie

for it is only darkness i see

small wierd things that freak me out

1. In the evening twilight, loud happy music played at a distance so i can just about hear it. gives me such a sense of loneliness; of loss; brings up memories that arent bad in any sense, but just this intangible forlorn feeling. 

makes we want to be alone, rather, it leaves me without the strength to face anything, anybody. 

2. Fear of being left behind. in a literal sense. guess i would do anything, stoop to any levels, not to be left behind.

3. being ridiculed in public. wow. cant take it. 

i have this rather dumb feeling, in other words, i feel very much like an idiot. dont know for what reason. the blues are here to stay i guess. like the economy i get the feeling i need a war, famine, fascism to get out of this.

it is exams. i dont want it to be exams

no i dont want it to be exams

i absolutely dont want it to be exams

right now i want to be alone

i am going for a walk

ok?