Diwali Plans

With diwali right around the corner everyone is doing something.. looks like it.

here s a list of what my people are doing..

1. Getting drunk on Red Wine.. "way to go kuti.. but stay OFF the liquor''

2. s - Working her ass off on a dissertation. i should do one too..but i am not ready to work my ass off yet. i should do a dissertation on retail

3. planning trips to Gokarna, Manipal and going i forget where.. and then cribbing about not going home

4. planning ticketless seatless birthless 24 hour train journeys and DOING it. 2 of them actually.

5. loading up on naadan (kerala) food. throwing up. then going back and loading up again. (me included in the eating part) 

6. calling home to order sweets for diwali. 3 kilos of it!!. damn

7. Making Goa plans and not do it. *d culprit s me. the plan was north Goa by bus, lots of feny, bullet and a room

My current plan: Sit in my room and read up fiction and Porter on Strategy!.. smart eh?

animos

there is a strange feeling when others know something about you that you dont know or realise. the bunched eyelids and hushed conversation when u walk past. fingers pointed and smothered smiles. ok, well i exaggerate. though there is none of this, i still get an unpleasant vibe from certain sections of the society here. anyway, they are people i dont particularly like. so it does not matter. 

still it is interesting how antennas fly up when there s some animosity in the air, i need to get used to this shit.

Random.......

a child who grows up takin apart evrything learns to fix everything as he grows up. 

i was he.

i wish i could be him.

Hmm....random random

when i say i want to be alone, i lie

for i just want more of you

when i say i am good, i lie

for it is just emptynes in me

when i say the sun shines, i lie

for it is only darkness i see

small wierd things that freak me out

1. In the evening twilight, loud happy music played at a distance so i can just about hear it. gives me such a sense of loneliness; of loss; brings up memories that arent bad in any sense, but just this intangible forlorn feeling. 

makes we want to be alone, rather, it leaves me without the strength to face anything, anybody. 

2. Fear of being left behind. in a literal sense. guess i would do anything, stoop to any levels, not to be left behind.

3. being ridiculed in public. wow. cant take it. 

i have this rather dumb feeling, in other words, i feel very much like an idiot. dont know for what reason. the blues are here to stay i guess. like the economy i get the feeling i need a war, famine, fascism to get out of this.

it is exams. i dont want it to be exams

no i dont want it to be exams

i absolutely dont want it to be exams

right now i want to be alone

i am going for a walk

ok?

Once upon

Once upon a time when the sun was young

i was a speck of dust on an asteroids end

once upon a time on a chimpanzee's tail

I was a tiny little bug

Once upon a time when Noah was still floating

I was a worm that ate another

Once upon a time when the Pharoah was dead

there was just me at the bottom of a pyramid

Once upon a time when the sky was blue

i was a raindrop falling from the cloud

Once upon a time when yesterday was young

it was not so long back we kissed

once upon a time when the trees still stood

we walked around and watched the birds fly

once upon a time when the day is still not born

i walk an unknown road 

want more

why is there this constant need to change, to experience something new

new music, new news, new movies new gf new this new that

i fear barring a few, i would ideally like new people as well

perhaps i am a hopeless optimist

forever believing that the future is better, that the next time it is definitely going to be better, and even that this is better than the last.. (and while it lasts, secretly laughin thinking, "hey.... you dont know, but the my next one is going to be better)

for as long as i can remember i have never wanted time to go faster, at times i have willed it to be slower, forever believing that the moment i lived in was so much better than the ones i hav ever had before, better than i deserve, than i should expect it to be

call it whatever you may, misplaced modesty..nonsense

add to this the blind faith that tomorrow is going to be this bright great day

.

and why is there this need to be loved. what strange insecurities we have!

this is perhaps just love for myself. in a different costume. let me try in this 'single' time to fend off this need

I sometimes think several of us despise the past, give it very little thought. past is passe for me. 

it is so difficult to remember what people were like, their little nuances, the way someone walked, someones eyes, smells, way they felt

i think i dont like the way i was in the past, and this statement is dynamic,.. i dont like me in the last second. . :P

i have hardly had friends from the past meeting friends of the future, the situation has sucked every time. it is just not the same me they have each seen. 

me now is not the same as me a minute later, ok.. i exaggerate, but overall we all change so much. so so much. i have read, visiting parents years after moving out is one of the most stressing times for many, the sheer memories these visits evoke freaks some out. parents knew you last when u were in school or maybe college. not blaming them or antyhing but they have no clue who you are. and then you go there with a date or wife or whoever, and suddenly it is a whole different you!

but then there are these few people you come by once in a while, those rare creatiures who somehow just know you.. i know some like this..i will cherish them..it d be nice to fill up my life with people like this.. and i love them all to one extent or nther.