want more

why is there this constant need to change, to experience something new

new music, new news, new movies new gf new this new that

i fear barring a few, i would ideally like new people as well

perhaps i am a hopeless optimist

forever believing that the future is better, that the next time it is definitely going to be better, and even that this is better than the last.. (and while it lasts, secretly laughin thinking, "hey.... you dont know, but the my next one is going to be better)

for as long as i can remember i have never wanted time to go faster, at times i have willed it to be slower, forever believing that the moment i lived in was so much better than the ones i hav ever had before, better than i deserve, than i should expect it to be

call it whatever you may, misplaced modesty..nonsense

add to this the blind faith that tomorrow is going to be this bright great day

.

and why is there this need to be loved. what strange insecurities we have!

this is perhaps just love for myself. in a different costume. let me try in this 'single' time to fend off this need

I sometimes think several of us despise the past, give it very little thought. past is passe for me. 

it is so difficult to remember what people were like, their little nuances, the way someone walked, someones eyes, smells, way they felt

i think i dont like the way i was in the past, and this statement is dynamic,.. i dont like me in the last second. . :P

i have hardly had friends from the past meeting friends of the future, the situation has sucked every time. it is just not the same me they have each seen. 

me now is not the same as me a minute later, ok.. i exaggerate, but overall we all change so much. so so much. i have read, visiting parents years after moving out is one of the most stressing times for many, the sheer memories these visits evoke freaks some out. parents knew you last when u were in school or maybe college. not blaming them or antyhing but they have no clue who you are. and then you go there with a date or wife or whoever, and suddenly it is a whole different you!

but then there are these few people you come by once in a while, those rare creatiures who somehow just know you.. i know some like this..i will cherish them..it d be nice to fill up my life with people like this.. and i love them all to one extent or nther.

hm.. thoughts

somethings just isn’t good for you
how much ever you justify the use

the lethargy is palpable, the stillness can almost be touched. You could feel it. It is inside my head. i am it.
Hope and misery. Aren’t they just so intertwined?



I had a reason to forget, not to remember. Why did it come back. Just wishful thinking that it wouldn’t haunt me.
Yesterday I went on a walk, a long walk. I found that different world maybe a kilometer from the campus. I knew it was there, it is a cure for all problems. The potholed dusty road from the big circle at tamanna, that leads into the hills to get lost in the greenery. It is a different world out there. Within an hour I passed the buildings, event the shanty cow sheds, muddy tea stalls and single old man with one naked incandescent bulb grocery shop. It is a page out of a novel, it is exactly the place where you’d go to clear your thoughts. It had workers with Nehru caps walking back, with their axes and ploughs propped on sweaty shoulders. Linen Dhotis and Chinese t shirts, covered in dirt, holes and sweat of genuine labor. There were birds, crows and others flying back home. Mostly in pairs, wing to wing against the darkening skies. single trees stood guard over waist high grass on both sides of the road, hills covered in mist completed the scene. Almost too perfect, yet it was there, for all to see. No, it was only me who saw it. Atleast this way.
As the sun set, I realized it was going to be real dark, except for headlights of heavy vehicles that broke the monotony of silence. Silence outside my head i.e. the ipod is a perfect companion here.
And soon enough it was completely dark, so dark I was a scared enough to stop and walk back. I imagined how it would be if I fell into a ditch or someone killed or some truck ran me over. As if I needed any more stimulus to clear my mind, a pack of three-four dogs turned up. They dint seem very happy to see me, atleast from the fact that barking and running in front of me to stand ground and bark activity. It took all my thoughts focused somewhere just about my throat to keep the heart from jumping right out. Somehow I kept walking, biting on the temptation to stop as well as the one to run. Soon enough they lost interest, and in their cacophonous company I reached civilization back sooner than I thought. With all thoughts scrubbred away I took another deviation so I could walk some more. A long road that finally ended up on the ring road that led to mezzanine. Right then guys called up saying lets go to idlecious, great. Couldn’t have been more perfect.



anyway. so we organized this big event on luxury in college, and it went well. now that's over, and gone.
it is like rain, when it rains it pours, its wet and quite miserable, yet once it s gone, you miss it
it is like a problem child, when he s around, he makes life tough, yet once he s gone, the silence is unbearable.
It is also like a nice meal, with great food. once you are full, you are too lethargic to clean those dammed plates.
Why does fucked up thought come at the most fucked up time.

Some thoughts

Mine and Others

"in people i know, i see only what i like to see. people i know no longer exist."
"the further i get away from it, i am not even sure it was real love"
"the first time i was touched, the feeling was so amazing, why dont i feel like that anymore?"
"Bright people scare me"
"I am selfish, people dont interest me"
"i couldnt talk about many things, i havent spoken so many things, there are too many things that need to be said"
"everything hurts"
"i am honest to everyone. except to those i love"
"what i felt once. that was worth living for"
"people who smoke want to die atleast as much as they want to live"
"the love that believes and trusts in the constancy of another human heart - romantic love, i so desperately need"
"i thrive on attention"

Time

to everything there is a seasn, a time for every purpose
a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant and a time to pluck
a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down and a time to build up
a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn and a time to dance
a time to gain, and a time to loose, a time to keep and a time to throw away
a time to hate and a time to love

Some old lines.

but for him who is joined to all the living there is hope
for a living dog is better than a dead lion

also their love, their envy, and their hatred have now perished
nevermore will they have a share in anything under the sun

whatever your hand finds to do, do it with your might
for there is no work or device or knowledge or wisdom in the grave where you are going

the race is not for the swift
noe the battle to the strong
nor bread to the wise
nor riches to the intelligent
nor favor to men of skill
but time and chance happens to them all

for a man does not know his time
like fish taken in a cruel net
like birds caught in a snare
so men are snared in an evil time
when it falls suddenly on them.

The car with no lights

i was driving a car
a car with no lights
i was driving a car
down a winding road
on a dark and moonless night
i was driving a car
drunk and sober at once
i couldnt see the door
for darkness it was all
i was driving a car
i dint know where i was going
i couldnt see the road
neither the road me
i am still driving

The girl with big eyes

she sat with her hair let open, hands gripping her ankles. eyes staring straight into mine.
i felt something i have never yet felt. I wanted a camera, for i never should forget the image.
yet no camera can capture a feeling, a thought, the magic that she created.
the place: an indescribable corner of her heart. she took my hand and walked me through. bold and free as an eagle, we saw the world; small and from afar. from a dark place to unimaginable brightnes, her flapping wings took me. i felt a tingle in the small of my back; as the world looked smaller and smaller - the air thinner, the light brighter; but her strength filled me, strength of happiness, strength of our existence, as we did exist; momentary.