Paranoia

some nights when sleep does not come, time swirls around shapes change shapes memories play with the shadows and words want to be written down. when tomorrow looms closer than it is and what went by is still here. when all your dreams come back to haunt and moments become stationary.

thought process influenced by anxiety to the point of delusional irrationality. only to wake up into the dream again. when else can you reach out and touch; to have those feelings again that could never have been, when else can you hear words you once heard; things that seem unlikely to have been said.

through the ether of space i am suspended, the stars are under me and the river above. surging on, i see the wind and feel the moonlight. colors stream through me i thirst for the heartbeat to tell me it is real. that you are listening. that i am free, that i fly, that tomorrow i can face.

die

How easy it is to think it is all lost. climbing aboard a landing craft before the invasion of Normandy, a sergeant told the men that by the end of the day, nine out of 10 would be dead. on hearing that news each man looked around and felt so sorry for those other nine poor sonsabitches.

Create!

Every now and then i am affected by a desire to create. To create, something new, original and my own. and so i write something, or i sketch or paint something. and of late with the camera i tinker with the settings to get some new angle of a tea mug or knick knacks around the room.

But when i get down to this, there is always this pressure to make it perfect. When i sketch or paint i have the urge to capture the subject in its entirety.. as i see it. when i write i keep searching for what exactly i want to say to the point where my limited skills makes me give up.

and i guess this is exactly the opposite of what creativity is right? creativity is letting go, letting the work take its own way.. like a movie in which the script is written on the go. like life.

i was home in Kerala last week and i tried this. i took this nice white canvas, took out my oils and one long brush. sat down and started painting. I did not start with a subject. and i ended up with this..

well.. there is way more than the required number and amount of colour on the canvas. my subject, which happened to be the view from my moms kitchen, is only half of what came out. anyhow.. i now see why artists louwe oils.. it is such a crazy medium! since it doesnt set for a long time paintings dont have to be done in one sitting, meaning if i liked colours in a different order tomorrow my oils will follow my orders and move to the appropriate part of the canvas!

now they attack the German Bakery!

lost!

every now and then things go missing, right now it is the phone charger. It has absented itself for the last 24 hours or so. i checked everywhere from kitchen cupboards to the freezer. It wasnt in the bathroom or behind the TV. I go paranoid when this happens. How can something just disappear!

...btw it had been borrowed by someone from my room :).. but now my formal belt has gone missing! (updated)

gear

it is late in the night, and i dont have anything specific to say. but i feel like.. you know. saying something.

I get these moods .. should try it..

put off the lights, helps if the room is fairly dark. laptop on d lap and ur eyes adjust to the brightness of the screen so everything else is dark. Have some nice music.. i would suggest dark side or fidelity or porcelain or some nice budha bar trance.

and then lose yourself in the music

then dream that you are sitting in some huuuuge black dark open space. no wires, no power nothing near by. just you.

and then the gear up in the head starts rolling. thoughts roll. it is a nice feeling

try it

some shit

You should watch this movie.. up in the air. yeah the clooney one. and you would realize that most of things in it are real. i mean, they could be your life or mine. It is a frank statement of what a lot of our lives are like.

The things we do are mostly for the weirdest reasons, reasons that are born of a momentary thought, a random occurance, a freak chance of weather, traffic, infatuation.. things that don't matter to any one else, reasons that in most likelihood cease to remain relevant a week later even to us.

And as much as i hate to admit it, things that remain are the things our parents told us to care about, you know. yeah.

yeah.. real senti