hmm. ha

i am excited when a new work presents itself, but i am too lazy to do it. it could be anything, like reading fiction. i enjoy it, but the effort of taking and reading it is... hm.. too much? but then some reason presents itself to instigate me to turn pages fast, like some one who asks how the book is and i am embarrassed by the fact i am yet to reach anywhere. i am then happy to have this simple pressure to read, of looking forward to telling them i am done. my motivation therefore is entirely dependent on others giving me the right nudges here and there. 

an idea from Mohsin Hamids Moth Smoke.

a disease is what grows where/when it shoudlnt. it gets bad when you can stop it and yet you do nothing about it, letting the lethargy it lends cover you in excuse, a cushion to the fall.

, like a moth drawn to a flame, circling its love the flame, till the flame consumes it. one flight too close to the flame, and ends up dead.

like two lovers, each a moth drawn to the other, love that was never to be, love doomed from the start, just to burn a wing here a wing there. the lover the flame the doom. 

Things i sometimes remember and laugh about

1. once i and old buddies from school had gone for dinner. on the way back we were driving back by the then newly opened Shoppers Stop in Harrington road, chennai. sitting in the back seat of the car, for no reason, i yelped 'hai, shoppee Day'. it was completely reflexive. to this day i hve no idea why i said it or why we all still are reduced to pulp laughing abt it.
2. one time i was kissing a girl, and i got bored kissing her. ten seconds can be a long time, and eh.. my mind wanders fast.
i remember thinking what i could do to pass the next minute or so..trying different angles..and then starting to laugh hysterically
3. the time a friend farted in the car, again there were 3 of us, hot day and the AC was on. it was the WORST possible fart a human could have produced. it s a wonder the driver dint crash the car.
4. i had a scooterrete for sometime, it was a piece of junk that could hardly move with two people on. yet, i once convinced a friend it was a test of his manhood to prove that he could race against this with his HeroHondo CBZ. hehehe.. we got an audience, we got someone to blow the whistle and i didnt even move. all we remember was rolling around and laughing as he literally flew with throttle on full.. he never really forgave me for that

5. there was this time when i was in this room with some1 i wasnt supposed to be. and then some1 knocks. i had the most hilarious time with that person under my bed. 

marketscape

one of my friends recently had a relationship turn sour on her, and with the markets tumbling all around, i was thinking that the two are really quite similar; investing in the stock market and being in a relationship - the love type.

in both cases people speculate. both are led my sentiments and both dont make much sense. 

you invest some, and the market climbs, it s all excitement, just like in a relationship, those wonderful initial months of mutual discovery, days when time just flies. both displaying the best of each to the other. so when the market soars it is plain good, just keep investing more of your chips hoping and in reality just speculating that it s going to be up all the way. just like in the stock market where technical analyst will tell you what tommorow is going to be like, what the underlying fundementals tell ya; comments of how 'compatible' you and him/her is.. how god has made one for the other, neither god or the technical analyst can tell you a minute before a soaring relationship goes sour. seasonality. analyse any market data and you see a definite seasonality, ups and downs. even the rationalist who thinks only with the head and not with d heart cant tell you why there is a dip. but they say a dip is good. a correction. this is nothing but the "give it some time"..or "why dont you take a break" thing. and when things sour a bit, there are those who take their chips and run, there are those who stay invested, and there are those who put more of themselves, those who put everything they have.

when the market hits rock bottom, there is one who is still holding on.. holding on to a script that is not worth anything, that does not have the magic power to make him/her happy or rich as the case may be. 

and 

like in the stock market where they advice you to never put all your eggs into one basket.. advice critical in the relationship market :P. diversification is the key word.

but

sound advice is always to play for the long innings, to be the trenched player..

but then i dont have all the answers.. bankrupted as i am in the stock market.. i shouldnt be the one to be giving advices. :)

Maybe i feel like them

She wished only that she could go back and change things: the ungainly things she had worn, the insecurity she'd felt, all the innocent mistakes she'd made

- Sudha in "Only Goodness" by Jhumpa Lahiri

At first, when we truly love someone, our greatest fear is that the loved one will stop loving us. What we should fear and dread, of course, is that we won't stop loving the, even after they are dead and gone.

- Shantaram, Gregory David Roberts

i had friends but i always felt alone. 

Jim Carrey in "23"

and then

Today with both room-mates gone for Diwali, i spent the morning reading. Light hindi music from my old laptop, the dry autumn chill lending an airconditoned feel to the room, it was almost like i was in Dubai again; on one of my 'off' days. just reveling in being able to sleep late, of having an entire day with nothing to do except read, with the promise of being able to go out later in the day with someone. Akash from Jhumpa Lahiri's Unaccustomed Earth filled my mind, nearly like Sam and Isaac, Ruma was Rekha. it is almost like they are in the hall, Jiju would have gone off to work, Its eleven and Rekha would have woken up, perhaps one of the little ones as well. She'd be making tea now. then i would go in there, their home smelling wonderfully of small kids - cornflakes, milk and a tinge of urea. the warmth of those little madmen. with tea in those huge mugs, and like always she'd offer porridge which i would refuse. i would sit and read their al-Kaleej Times and she'd flip through malayalam channels - her activity for most of the day.

Being free on a week-day (one of the problems of being in retaik) meant few others were free in the mornings. this was good in a way. Back here in symbi, hostel life means there s hardly any time where i am alone.

i must be missing home, atleast home food. for in the last week itself i v been to mallu restaurants thrice, ordered enough food to have waiters ask resignedly if it was enough at the end of it. It has definitely been a foody week. food well taken. :)

Diwali Plans

With diwali right around the corner everyone is doing something.. looks like it.

here s a list of what my people are doing..

1. Getting drunk on Red Wine.. "way to go kuti.. but stay OFF the liquor''

2. s - Working her ass off on a dissertation. i should do one too..but i am not ready to work my ass off yet. i should do a dissertation on retail

3. planning trips to Gokarna, Manipal and going i forget where.. and then cribbing about not going home

4. planning ticketless seatless birthless 24 hour train journeys and DOING it. 2 of them actually.

5. loading up on naadan (kerala) food. throwing up. then going back and loading up again. (me included in the eating part) 

6. calling home to order sweets for diwali. 3 kilos of it!!. damn

7. Making Goa plans and not do it. *d culprit s me. the plan was north Goa by bus, lots of feny, bullet and a room

My current plan: Sit in my room and read up fiction and Porter on Strategy!.. smart eh?